JUANITA JEAN HEROWNSELF – Juanita is owner of
The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., Fort Bend’s only
professional political organization. Her main qualification to comment on
Texas politics is that she owns pink cowboy boots. Not just one pair, but
several. Most likely, you don’t.
Through diligent research, it has been discovered that
Juanita is the daughter of Judge Clyve T. “ByGawd” Bell and his bride, the
lovely and talented Lillie Jean Bell, who was known in a four county area
for her unique ability to lasso while singing opera.
Juanita graduated from Elite Beauty School in Del Rio,
Texas, (whose motto is: We never heard of you either) first in her class,
and after a brief stint with the Buck Pochek Professional Waterskiing and
Ring-O’-Fire Extravaganza, she settled down in Richmond. Her first husband,
Bubba Hank, died in a semi-tragic Nascar pit stop accident. Juanita has
found no good reason to remarry.
BUCK POCHEK - head honcho in charge of The Good
Folks at Buck Pochek’s Rural Entertainment Promoters and General Purpose
Feed Store. In Juanita’s words, “Buck Pochek is living proof that maybe God
created one gender too many.”
Buck has glow-in-the-dark business cards with the ink
still wet, prefers neon light to sunlight, fixes stubborn traffic lights
with a handy 12 gauge shotgun, lists being able to roll back an odometer as
job skill on his resume, and has been married so often that they keep his
name permanently on the bridal registry down at the hardware store.
Buck drives an old Cadillac that suffered severe hail
damage years ago. He collected the insurance money but spent it on a trip to
Gulfport, Mississippi, where he met the fourth Mrs. Pochek. Buck’s car
sports the remnants of several bumper stickers - Buck’s favorite is an
obscene gesture with “Nuke This, Saddam!”
Buck has spent some time in jail for insurance fraud,
mooning a gun control rally, and assault with a toilet seat (the details of
which are better left to sealed court records). Buck’s main source of income
is his Army disability check and some residuals from a couple of slip and
fall accidents lately.
THELMA LUCILLE FRONTAGE - still wears her 1968
Homecoming Queen tiara to every Lamar Consolidated Homecoming game. “It’s
tradition,” she explains, but most people think it’s just because Thelma
ain’t parked too close to the curb. Her seat ain’t in the full, upright and
locked position. Buck once kept Thelma busy at the library for a month
trying to figure out the speed of dark.
Thelma greatly enjoyed her four pregnancies -
especially the part where she became the three time land speed world record
holder for eating Twinkies. Thelma gained a few pounds over the years, and
while it is not true that she capsized a tugboat once, she does use a
semi-trailer inner tube as the required standard life preserver on river
outings. Thelma holds the national distinction of being the only 350 pound
amateur golfer with a completely leopard skin and feather golf cart.
Thelma’s hairdressing skills include the highest
beehive hairdo in the state of Texas. “The taller the hair, the closer to
God,” is her motto. She is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven
Republican Women’s Club.
BUBBA X - is a classic model relic from the
1960s, complete with a brief but highly productive membership in the Black
Panthers, where he was known under another name prior to the FBI relocating
him to the Greater Sugar Land area, where he could blend-in relatively
unnoticed. All went well for three days. Then BubbaX applied for employment
as head golf pro at Sugar Creek Country Club, totally unaware that golfing
skills were somewhat necessary for such a job. After several months of
litigious threats and butt-stompin’s, BubbaX accepted the position of
bartender at Buck’s newest icehouse, although he felt it was a waste of his
corporate managerial skills and his almost complete collection of self-help
tapes.
He adopted the name BubbaX following an ill-fated
attempt to sell life insurance door-to-door in Quail Valley, when he was
known simply as Bubba. Bubba’s size - he looks like he might have eaten his
brother - and his opening line to sell life insurance - “You never know when
you’re going to die.” - was not as successful as he had hoped. He caught a
bad case of attitude following several trips to the Grand Jury and added the
X to his name. It has stayed like a comfortable pair of shoes.
This website is owned and operated by:
Susan DuQuesnay Bankston
509 South Fifth
Richmond, Texas 77469
who is wholly responsible for its typos.
