You would think that if you’re the Republican county
chairman in Tom DeLay’s home county you’d be very careful in filing your
required campaign finance reports with the Texas Ethics Commission. And with
about eight different people, all with badges of some sort, investigating Tom
over campaign finance laws, you’d think that you’d at least check your math
twice. And, if you were also a former spokesman for Enron, a company that
went belly down with bad bookkeeping, you’d mind your Ps and Qs when it came
to your own numbers.
Well, you’d think wrong.
Here’s another thing to add to your Blessings List: You
don’t think like Fort Bend County Republican Chairman Eric Thode.
Good Lord, these people just run buck nakkid down the
street singing Davey Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier at the top of their
lungs while flailing their limbs akimbo and expect us not to notice. They not
only think they’re bulletproof, they also think they’re invisible and
specially protected with hexes enforced by the Melvin Noobert Masonic Lodge
and the Jasper Elks Club.
There’s a general rule in Texas --- the more a man
tells you that he’s a
Baptist deacon, the more you need to hold tight to your wallet, count the
silverware before he leaves, and check every now and then on his campaign
finance disclosures. And luckily for you, that’s my job description. Some
people save up their money to go to Astroworld or Hawaii; I save up my money
to buy campaign finance reports. I love those suckers.
So, after a tip from my anonymous source, Wide Hips, I call
the Texas Ethics Commission and get Chairman Thode’s campaign finance
reports. Sure ‘nuff, the boy has had himself a calculatory breakdown. Honey,
I wore out the solar power source on my pocket calculator just trying to
figure out how Thode came up with these numbers.
As another
friendly free customer service, I have provided these forms for you in PDF
format. We were going to put them on refrigerator magnets and distribute
them at the county fair but it didn’t work out, you know how those things go.
When you look at the five reports Thode had on file with
the ethics commission, your eyes cross and little spittle things form at the
corner of your mouth. Campaign finance reports are supposed to follow a
logical and mathematical progression throughout a person’s political career.
Thode’s reports aren’t even casually acquainted with each other. I think they
met in a bar somewhere and went home with someone else.
Take for example, the report Thode filed on July 15, 2004
(page 6). In that report, he swears under penalty of perjury that he has
$1,935.04 in his campaign account on the last day of that reporting period.
On the very next required report, January 18, 2005, (page 3) Thode swears he
only has $470 in expenditures but a big ole goose egg balance in his campaign
account. Oops, Captain Subtraction is missing in action!
Look, I admit I’m no math wizard, but if I subtract 470
from 1935, I rarely, if ever, get zero for an answer. Of course, this could
be some kind of Jerry Falwell University Republican arithmetic.
Now that should get you started playing your own round of
Correct the County Chair. All the reports combined are only about 20 pages,
so you can print them out and let the kids join in the fun! You’re going to
find arithmetic/auditing/disclosure/whatever problems in places where no clear
thought has ever gone before.
Now I know that there’s going to be folks who say,
“Juanita, oh master of political shenanigan identification, how come these
reports show no expenditures for Thode’s full-page expensive ads in the
Republican newsletter each quarter?” And I have an answer for that, my young
Jedi. Those ads were paid for by The Friends of Eric Thode, a group with the
same address as Eric Thode’s house. Tragically, the Texas Ethics Commission
has no evidence that The Friends of Eric Thode has ever filed a campaign
finance report. Oops, Major Blunder is under siege.
The Texas Ethics Commission’s simple rule says, “The
advertising should not be attributed to entities such as “Committee to Elect
John Doe” unless a specific-purpose committee named “Committee to Elect John
Doe” has filed a campaign treasurer appointment with the Ethics Commission or
a local filing authority.” I checked with the local authority and …. You
guessed it, the reports are probably at the same place that the unaccounted
for $1,465 is. And they probably have a secret liberal agenda to get Money
and Report recognized as a legal marriage in Texas.
One other small thing before I run out of writing room.
Thode’s last report and his final report were faxed to Austin from the county
judge’s office. That’s a big bad no-no. Hey, he could have shown a little
charming irony and faxed it from the county jail.
There’s more to come, but I didn’t want to overwhelm the
electric internet machine.
