Tom in TeeVee Guide
Susan DuQuesnay Bankston
Tom has been fumin’ like a 200,000 mile pickup truck that the writers of the teevee show Law and Order took his name in vain. There’s laws against that. I’m not sure where those laws are written down but you might start checking stone tablets and mountaintops somewhere.
Law and Order had this teevee show where this detective guy was looking for a crook who shot a federal judge. With no clues or suspects, the detective said, “Maybe we should put out an APB for somebody in a Tom DeLay T-Shirt.” Uh huh, it was humorous. Somebody got paid a lot of money for coming up with that line and – rats! – it should have been me.
In reaction, Tom girded-up his loins and, with a straight face, stomped his foot about the “manipulation of my name.” Oh gosh, that’s gotta be awful for Hot Tub Tom, the Hammer. Can you even imagine someone manipulating his name? I’m mortified, mortified I tell you.
He also called it “a great disservice to public discourse.” No, seriously; he said that. A man who once stood on the House floor and made fun of people “with foreign sounding names” said that.
Rumor has it that instead of suing the writers, Tom has proposed that he write and produce the next show - Law & Order: Filibuster Victim’s Unit.
After checking my TeeVee Guide, I have discovered some more shows featuring Tom this week. Oh, give it up – you knew I would.
Desperate Housewives – Tom DeLay drops by to lecture the floozie housewives on their wicked ways and then gets drunk and nakkid in their hot tub.
Bonanza – In a repeat of a little known episode, Tom DeLay plays a snake oil salesman who fights the Indians by stealing all their food, clothes, and money. Hoss gets pissed-off and calls Sheriff Ronnie Earle.
MASH – War. Go boom! Danger! Ooowies! Tom DeLay nowhere to be found.
Everybody Loves Raymond – except Tom. Tom DeLay hates Raymond because Raymond does not go to church enough.
Shell’s Wonderful World of Golf – Jack Abramoff buys Tom DeLay a trip to the Master’s. DeLay still can’t hit a nine iron straight and keeps referring to Tiger Woods as “The Gentleman from the NAACP.”
FOX News – Tom DeLay good. Liberals bad. Rinse. Repeat.
West Wing – Special guest appearance by Congressman Tom DeLay. He says that he IS the Federal Government and C J Craig punches him out. Cold cocks him. Kicks him. Stomps his butt. Grinds her high heel into his foot. Whacks him upside the head for good measure. She wins an Emmy.
Gilligan Island – in this overlooked episode, Tom DeLay comes to the island and tries to set up sweat shops and a rudimentary sex tourism industry.
The Apprentice – Tom DeLay and Donald Trump get into a self-image contest. Neither wins, but the fallout of ego juice and bad hair-dos covers three states.
Will and Grace – Grace lands a job decorating a major hotel chain. Will must try a case against a really hunky opposing counsel. Jack attempts to date the offensive line of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Tom experiences a terrifying lower abdominal tingle.
Judging Amy – and everybody else, the DeLay way! Tom DeLay visits to demonstrate how to slap down a judge. Episode two will be seen on Law and Order.
Hope and Faith – DeLay’s medical care package for America.
The King of Queen’s – Tom refuses to appear on this type of “activist show”.
Antiques Roadshow – Carlton Pierce III informs Tom that his antiquated political beliefs are worth “not a damn diddle.” His hair, however, is discovered to be a highly sought-after collector’s item.
This week on Star Trek: “I AM THE FEDERATION OF PLANETS!”
Extreme Makeover – Ty’s team gives Tom an extreme makeover by giving him a soul and a heart.
Medium – Tom enlists the help of Patricia Arquette to combat the unholy ghost of LBJ and Barry Bonds.
The Amazing Race – Can Tom outlaw boobies before the Johnson family reach Paris?
The Tony Danza Show – Tom’s appearance is so shocking that I am forbidden to discuss the specifics. I’ll offer three words: Fire, Brimstone, Bacardi
O’Reilly Factor – Loofah, falafel, and hot tubs - tales of latent homosexuality masquerading as insipid male conquests.
Fear Factor – In a moment of primal justice Tom DeLay forced to eat a live bug and a gallon of DDT to keep his House seat.
I just have one thought for the week. Why does Tom make this so easy for me?