Houston is a Lot Like Iraq

         Last week our CongressVarmint Tom DeLay told everybody in the whole danged world, including parts of Mississippi that aren’t even on the map, that Iraq is as safe as Houston.

          Either Tom DeLay ain’t been to Iraq lately or he’s been hanging out in Houston biker bars again, wearing a dress and a Rotary Club baseball cap.

          Houston ain’t like Iraq at all.  For starters, Iraq has better weather.  And their freeways are in better shape.  And the most important thing?  They don’t have Tom DeLay.  They get bonus points for that. 

           In all fairness, Tom’s exact quote was, “You know, if Houston, Texas, was held to the same standard as Iraq is held to, nobody'd go to Houston, because all this reporting coming out of the local press in Houston [would be about] violence, murders, robberies, deaths on the highways.”

          Sugar, do you watch the local news?  Channel 2 had to get a goofy weather dog to keep from being rated X due to sex and violence.  If it weren’t for the weather dog, you’d think the local news was a Quentin Tarantino movie.  I'm not joking about this - the dog gets top billing on the news and nobody thinks that's strange.  'Cept me. 

        So, wait, let my brain rest a minute here before I think too much about what Tom said in that one sentence.  There’s violence in Iraq because the media reports there’s violence in Iraq?  If the media would just quit reporting it, it wouldn’t exist?  Tom, Honey, try getting a tee-time at the Fallujah Oaks Country Club and see if Jack Abramoff can join you.  Better yet, try pulling your brain out of your duffle bag. 

          I made a significantly incorrect statement about a week ago.  I said that if you keep poking Tom with a stick, he’ll react and say something incredibly stoopid.  I wish to revise my remarks.  Forget the stick part.   You don’t need it.  Apparently, just the act of getting out of bed gets him headed straight for Vista Del Dumb. 

          Speaking of which ….. 

          For you folks from foreign states, our pretty Governor, Rick Perry, personal hero to the religious right extremists in Texas, dropped his cowboy hat this week and got all urbaned-up.  In an attempt to be multi-cultural, he said to a teevee reporter, “Adios, Mofo.”  That’s just wrong.  Everybody knows that teevee reporters are existential nihilists, not Mofos.

           Rick Perry and Tom DeLay are the Jimmy Swaggarts of politics.  I mean, Rick is in church one day doing the hallelujah dance and the next day he’s mofoing around like he’s got the shizzle distributorship in a four state area.  Most states have a constitutional amendment against that.

          Somebody, please, hose those two down and set them in a draft.