Juanita's

This website is dedicated to ground zero for democracy. Thanks to Congressvarmint Tom DeLay and Governor Rick Perry, the good people of the Texas 22nd will soon be the only Congressional District in America since 1776 to have taxation without representation. Our forefathers shed blood over this. However, our local Republicans think it's just hunkey dorey, and they will hit you if you try to say otherwise.
This site mostly is about local politics. Nevertheless, you folks from foreign states can better understand what the fool tarnation is going on down there.

Here's the deal: This ain't a blog. It's a professional political organization. Send me email - I'll post it if I feel like it.

June 30 - Okay, I'll be outta here for a few days. Keeps those Photoshopped doors coming in! I'll post them when I get back.

June 29 - I got an email just a few minutes ago from Ken, a regular customer here at the shop.

Susan -

Here's a picture taken with my cell phone today showing the sign outside your Representative's office in the Cannon House Office Building.

Ken

          Pitiful, isn't it? We need to Photoshop that sucker with improvements before people start walking by and spitting on it just out of habit.
          I'll even offer a prize for the best Photoshop of the door picture. The winner will get a free hamburger and beer at the Oh-No-Not-DeLay party at Beck's Prime on the evening of the Chamber of Commerce's Tribute to Tom DeLay. (Look, I wanted to name the event "Tribute, My Ass!" but cooler heads prevailed.)

June 29 - I told you he was ccrazy.   He’s crazzzzzzy.
          First, Tom DeLay declared himself a constitutional martyr yesterday He's nuttier than squirrel poop.
          Without even considering what he has done to the schoolchildren and property taxpayers of this state who got ignored while he built his kingdom, he refuses to see the error of his way.

The cost of midterm redistricting goes beyond mere dollars. The struggle postponed for years the day when property owners will get relief from onerous school taxes. Rather than craft a fair, adequate method of school finance, legislators chose to tussle over redistricting.
Given half a chance, legislators might spend all their time maneuvering for partisan advantage, doing little to advance the public interest. In upholding anytime redistricting, the Supreme Court has given the legislators of every state that chance.

          And now it’s become Wild Kingdom. Tom’s going around the country like a circus monkey, appearing on Chris Matthews in stoopid human tricks. You have to watch this to believe it. Video He's certifiable.
         This, my friends, is the face and the brains of the Fort Bend Republican party. They are even giving Tom a Tribute on July 7^th. Costs $550 for a table. And they’ll pay it because they love the circus. They love the partisanship. They love winning at all cost. And they'll send thugs to hit you if you even think about crossing them.
          A handful of local Republicans, just a handful, will deny him and say they don’t like him, but they’ll go vote straight ticket for Republican idiots like Brady Elliott, Charlie Howard, Bud Childers, and Andy Meyers who are just Tom DeLay without a national audience.

By the way, Roll Call (subscription only) shows us that once he got away from home, Tom's Super DeLux Brand Christianity stayed behind. He's just another dirty old man, even when his daughter is in the room.

The town’s newest comic and auctioneer, former Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas), had folks rolling out of their chairs Tuesday night with a double-entendre-laden montage of ... beaver jokes.

DeLay, who apparently has some experience in this arena — auctioneering, that is — was a celebrity auctioneer at the annual dinner of the Safari Club International Washington Metro Chapter. Among the items he auctioned off was a sheared beaver fur vest, which went for $1,400 — higher than the club expected, thanks to DeLay’s uncanny talent in stirring interest in the back-slapping, guns-and-whiskey crowd.

“Who wants a beaver?” asked DeLay, whom attendees said looked happier and more relaxed than ever. Hoots and hollers followed.

The Hammer continued with lines such as, “Everybody likes beaver, even women” and, as a couple of people in the crowd recall, “The best thing about it, it’s a shaved beaver!”

          Wait until Tom's Den Mother, Terese Raia, hears about this! She's gonna have to get her one of those.
          (By the way, two of DeLay's friends claimed he said sheared beaver, but even DeLay's daughter stuck with shaved.)

June 28 - Okay, so you need to see Accounting, Fort Bend Style.

Commissioners voted to direct Sturdivant to remove the 143 listed assets – including everything from Cisco routers to Dell desktop computers to 17 Taser stun guns – from county departments’ inventories. Those items could not be located during an annual inventory undertaken by the auditor’s office.

The commissioners passed a similar motion removing a much larger number of assets – 531 items, including six Ford Crown Victoria cars, dozens of computer systems and 53 Motorola MTS2000 hand-held radios – that were listed on county department inventories prior to 2005. Those items also have not been located – despite a two-year effort by Sturdivant’s office.

          Okay, so stuff is missing and we blame it on paperwork? At some point, this stuff was bought and paid for. Ya think maybe - in the least - somebody needs to accept responsibility for bad paperwork?
          Oh heck, it's just money. County Commissioners know where to get more money.

June 28 - So, it just hit the streets but it looks like The Supremes just ruled that states can re-district at whim and that CD23 (Bonilla's district) is unconstitutional.
          Here's a PDF of the ruling. I'm sure that writ twits will pour over it all day. And probably throw papers at each other like spears.
          You know, I'm real glad that Betty Lynn's College of Cosmetology and Heavy Thinking required us to read our Shakespeare. If Miss Betty hadn't made us read our Shakespeare, I couldn't fully appreciate the tragedy of Tom DeLay. Everything Tom worked for and lied, cheated and stole for will now bite him in the hiney when Democratic states begin re-drawing their Congressional districts tomorrow. And what did Tom get, other than a couple of years on the Rich and Leisure Golf Circuit, for all his hubris and pride? In the words of Hamlet, "Diddle squat."

June 27 - Hey, Tom, better hope this isn't who the Chamber of Commerce has speaking at your Tribute luncheon!

          The New York Times has a story today about how upwards of $2 billion dollars appropriated for Katrina relief was lost to waste, fraud and abuse. One of the most egregious frauds was committed by Daniel Yeh of Sugarland, Texas, who has been indicted on 22 counts of wire fraud for defrauding FEMA out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by claiming his hotel housed Katrina evacuees when the rooms were actually empty.
          Guess which former member of Congress he contributed to:

Contributor     Occupation      Date    Amount Recipient
YEH, DANIEL
SUGAR LAND,TX 77479     FLAGSHIP HOTEL/PRESIDENT        7/25/2001       $2,000 DeLay, Tom
YEH, DANIEL
SUGAR LAND,TX 77479     FLAGSHIP HOTEL/PRESIDENT        8/26/2002       $1,000 DeLay, Tom
YEH, DANIEL
SUGAR LAND,TX 77479     FLAGSHIP HOTEL/PRESIDENT        8/8/2001        ($1,000)        DeLay, Tom
Top of Form 1

          And then there's this little tidbit from Yeh's lawyer:

    In turn, some hotel managers or owners, like Daniel Yeh, of Sugar Land, exploited the lack of oversight, investigators have charged, and submitted bills for empty rooms or those occupied by paying guests or employees. Mr. Yeh submitted $232,000 in false claims, his arrest affidavit said. His lawyer, Robert Bennett, said that Mr. Yeh was mentally incompetent and that the charges should be dismissed.

          No, wait. Don't laugh. This is a plan. Are they going to use the DeLay donation as prima facie evidence of Yeh's mental incompetence? That might work, you know.

     Hey, at least maybe Daniel won't be lonely in prison, huh?

June 27 - For you guys from foreign states, the Republicans in District 22 had to wake up this morning and be amazed at the mess they've made of things ----

Judge says DeLay 'withdrew'
Statement may spell trouble for GOP, but 22nd District issue still awaits ruling

AUSTIN - A federal judge hearing a ballot dispute Monday involving former U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay said he thinks that DeLay withdrew from the November election, indicating potential trouble for Republicans who want to name a replacement candidate.

"He is not going to participate in the election and he withdrew," said U.S. District Judge Sam Sparks, who did not issue an official ruling after a daylong trial regarding DeLay's status as the GOP nominee for the 22nd Congressional District.

        Judge Sparks can make one of three rulings: (1) DeLay moved to another state, becoming ineligible to run, and the GOP can replace him on the November ballot, (2) DeLay's move was a sham, so he must stay on the ballot, or (3) DeLay's move was a sham and DeLay withdrew his name from the ballot so there will be no Republican name on the November ballot.
          The Republicans want (1). The Democrats want (2). It appears that Judge Sparks may be leaning to (3).
          It is so much fun watching the Republicans with their surreptitious rough-draft letters, their secret plans withheld from the public since last January, their sneaky fundraising, and their judge shopping that wasted even more time ---- and then see them blame the Democrats.
          I'm waiting for the Democrats to apologize for making Tom DeLay lie, cheat and steal (which is exactly what he did during the primary election), or say they are sorry for causing Tina Benkiser to think that laws don't apply to her.
          Oh yeah, they are the Party of personal responsibility - they think it's personal and you're responsible.

June 26 - It's almost over. Well, the GOP's handpicked federal judge seems to be upsetting them terribly by following the law. Harvey Kronberg (sorry, subscription only)

SPARKS TROUBLED BY CANDIDATE SWAPPING AFTER PRIMARY

Tells GOP to take no steps to replace DeLay until after ruling

U.S. District Judge Sam Sparks made it clear Monday afternoon that he considered former U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay’s maneuvering to get off the ticket a "withdrawal" by the candidate and the Sugar Land Republican’s subsequent moves to be declared ineligible a way to game the system.

Sparks did not issue a judgment on whether the Republican Party of Texas could declare DeLay ineligible for the November ballot, but he concluded the daylong hearing with several pointed questions for counsel representing party chairwoman Tina Benkiser. The Texas Democratic Party has asked to prevent Republicans from naming a replacement for DeLay on the ballot.

The judge said the evidence showed that DeLay simply decided that he would not complete the race. Lawyers working for DeLay then took time to figure out the best way "to manipulate the Republican Party, which he had a right to do," Sparks said.

However, Sparks seemed troubled by the precedent set by the action, saying he was worried it could lead to widespread candidate swapping. "If (DeLay) is allowed to do this … it can happen in every race in the state for any office.

          No steps means NO STEPS. Although lawyers for the State GOP said they would go ahead with the process because, of course, the law doesn't apply to them.
          The GOP lawyers tried to spin it that the Democrats were afraid to run against anyone. No, Mr. Backasswards Republican Lawyer, it's the GOP and Tom DeLay who were the chickens and ran for cover in Virginia. The Democrats are fully prepared to run against the Republican selected by the vast majority of voters in CD22 - and the Republicans made it very clear that they want Tom DeLay.

June 26 - Breaking News. Run like a rabbit? Ole Judge Sparks may be signaling something, huh? Maybe he should have slither like a snake!

Judge Sam Sparks questioned both DeLay and Benkiser about letters that DeLay sent to the chairwoman about his plans. He quizzed both about why a draft of the letter was sent before a final version was delivered days later.

Neither could answer why.

DeLay testified that he understood before he made his decision the consequences of withdrawing from the race as opposed to being declared ineligible.

Once DeLay finished testifying, Sparks explained he could either leave or stay for the rest of the proceedings.

"My recommendation is to run like a rabbit," Sparks quipped.

June 26 - Roll Call (by subscription only) has story today explaining how Tom DeLay's charity took gaming money through the backdoor.

In addition to its 357-page report reviewing the panel’s two-year probe into Abramoff’s affairs, the committee also released 112 pages of new documents last week that it forwarded to the Senate Finance Committee. Because such activities lay outside Indian Affairs’ jurisdiction, the panel asked Finance to explore the Abramoff nonprofits as “instruments to channel money from one entity to another in an effort to obscure the source of funds, the eventual use of funds, and to evade tax liability.”

One new example of how this was accomplished came in e-mails from August 1999 that demonstrate how Abramoff and Buckham were aggressively searching for large donors to five nonprofits they were connected to, labeling one of them “DeLay’s favorite,” referring to then-House Majority Whip DeLay. At that point, they had hoped to land contributions from the foundations linked to the Scaife family, which has given tens of millions of dollars to conservative causes over the past two decades.

Another new example unearthed by committee investigators was Abramoff’s October 2002 effort to get his tribal casino clients to donate to a DeLay foundation dedicated to helping foster children. Abramoff told a lobbying associate that the tribes needed to do “every event they can do for DeLay,” according to e-mails released last week by the committee.

          No wonder they took down the website. How embarrassing for the little kids.
          So, he hid behind little children to do his dirty work. And the Fort Bend Chamber of Commerce is celebrating him next week. Boneheads. Nincompoops.

June 26 - For you political junkies, there will no ruling from The Supremes today on redistricting. That leaves Thursday as the big day. We shall see if all Tom's efforts were for naught.
          Meanwhile, it appears that The DeLay Foundation for Kids, which has taken down their website, might be in for some investigation, according to the National Journal.

What do scandal-plagued politicians Duke Cunningham, Tom DeLay, and Alan Mollohan, along with disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, all have in common? If you answered bribery, corruption, or influence-peddling probes, you'd be half right. But the high-profile controversies surrounding the four men also have another key common denominator: the alleged abuse of so-called "charities" for political gain.

         And, as if this wasn't a bad enough day for Tom, the Associated Press reports ---

WASHINGTON --Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay reported raising $18,500 from individuals and corporations for his legal expenses and spending $43,282.24 in legal fees from April 1 to June 9.

DeLay listed a contribution of $5,000 from a political action committee associated with Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas. Other $5,000 donors were Larry D. Johnson, chairman of Johnson Co. in Houston and Howard Jones of the Bronx, NY.

DeLay's biggest expenditure was $25,000 paid for legal fees to Bracewell & Giuliani in Dallas and $10,012.15 to Richardson Consulting in Washington for fundraising event costs

June 26 - Just in case you missed it over the weekend, Capitol Annex has a hoot of a new movie preview.

June 25 - Okay, it has come to this ..... In Texas, you can be Kinky but you can't be Grandma.

June 24 - I'm playing over at fortbendnow.com again. Come join me.

June 23 - No, no, no, wait, wait .... you just gotta go hear the cheesiest political radio commercial ever. No, no, really - it sounds like a Saturday night live parody but it doesn't mean to. Pay special attention to the music.
          Leave it to Tom DeLay's Special Friend, David Wallace, to go negative right out of the box! This guy is Mayor of Sugar Land, you know, where they smack Democrats in the Town Square. And he's apparently a big fan of the politics of personal destruction.
          I'm already writing a response commercial ..... "David Wallace stood silent on issues like healthy children, sexual exploitation of Grandmas, kitty torture. He has consistently refused to stand up against the fluoridation of our precious bodily fluids. David Wallace has yet to fully explain his whereabouts on November 23, 1963. Davis Wallace, silent. Until now."
          And Tina Benkiser thinks the Democrats are scared of an opponent? Well, Honey, they weren't scared of Tom DeLay and they sure the dickens ain't scared of David "Just Like Tom" Wallace.
          When I have time next week, I'll remind you why each and every single thing he "approved" about Nick Lampson is a lie.

June 23 - Rats! This is going to put a real crimp in my fun between now and November. Steve "Look At Me; I'm Nuts" Stockman didn't get the 500 signatures necessary to run for Tom DeLay's old seat.
          Best line:

The ballot news caught Stockman, who was fishing Thursday, by surprise.

"We're disappointed," he said. "We have to check our options, talk to our attorneys and see what we're going to do and at what cost."

          Steve, Honey, it was only 500 signatures.
          I have a whole pile of "He's so crazy that ...." jokes on my desk and now their useless. No, wait. I live in Fort Bend. I'll sure I'll have a use for them by ohhhh, I dunno .... noon?

June 23 - Okay, so it's like this. Ralph Reed always looked like a creepy guy to me. I mean, I never trusted him; he just gave me the willies. So, it's with a little evil delight in my heart that he's shown to be the greedy little powerholic that we've come to expect of those who pray the loudest.

WASHINGTON, June 22 — A bipartisan Senate report released on Thursday documented more than $5.3 million in payments to Ralph Reed, the former director of the Christian Coalition and a leading Republican Party strategist, from an influence-peddling operation run by the corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff on behalf of Indian tribe casinos.

June 21 - Okay, you might want to grab ahold of something before you open this link because the spin in David Wallace's press release may throw you off the face of the earth. We'd hate for that to happen to you.
          First, a little background:
          Sugar Land Mayor and Congressman-Just-Like-Tom-DeLay Wannabe David Wallace saw that reckoning time was fast approaching. Wallace had claimed previously that he had already raised over a million dollars to run against Nick Lampson in November and that's why the Republicans should pick HIM, David Just Like Tom, to replace Tom on the ballot.
          Hey, it's fine to eat bullets for breakfast and shoot off your mouth the rest of the day, especially if your goal is to be Just Like Tom, but the first thing any politician should learn is --- don't lie about things that can be proven with public records.
          We here at the beauty shop have been counting the days until reckoning - the day when Wallace had to report this one million dollars to the FEC and tell where he got it. We knew he couldn't raise one million dollars, but figured he might raise maybe half that from his rich friends. We were enjoying the thought of Wallace with egg on his face.
          Not until this morning did we realize that it wasn't just eggs, but the whole damn frying pan.
          We got Wallace's press release.
          Oh. My. Goodness. Sake.

Sugar Land, TX) – In his first Campaign Finance Report to be filed with the Federal Elections Commission, David Wallace, the Mayor of Sugar Land, will report raising over $200,000 during the first 60 days of his bid to replace outgoing Congressman Tom Delay. Mayor Wallace also announced that in the same time period, he has an additional $800,000 in commitments and that he will continue to aggressively raise money to prepare to defeat the $2.5 million war chest of the Democrats.

          Commitments? Commitments? Can I take commitments to the grocery store and buy some milk and bread? No, I cannot. If Mrs. Safeway doesn't trust commitments, neither should I. Commitments? Maybe he meant a mental institution.
          Wallace only raised $200,000? I didn't know it was going to be that bad. Honey, Commissioner Andy Meyers raises that much almost every reporting period without even breaking a sweat.
          I'm saying --- Sure thing, David Just Like Tom, put me down for a hundred grand. Yeah, baby. We'll pass the plate here at the beauty shop next month and come up with at least that. So that makes it $900,000 in commitments. Alert the media before you actually come try to collect.
          Now grab ahold of something else, because Wallace can't help himself. In an effort to distract us from the fact that he's only got a measly $200,000, Wallace claims ---

In a straw poll taken by the Republican Party of Fort Bend County, Mayor Wallace finished first among 29 candidates with 48.3% of the vote, an impressive 26.3% higher than his closest competitor. The straw poll was mailed to all Republican voters in Fort Bend County.

          There's not one sane person left on this planet who thinks that "poll" means diddle squat. Notice I said "sane." It's not wise to say crazy things and then use the word "commitment" in your press release - it just gives us ideas. And Wallace is counting Tom Stavinoha, Joe Proto, Don Richardson, Christine DeLay and a host of others as "candidates" because someone wrote-in their names? (Okay, make the doo-do-doo-do Twilight Zone tune in your head now.)
          And then, just to keep us smiling with anticipation here at the beauty shop, Wallace throws out -

“The momentum for my campaign is building among grassroots Republicans,” Wallace said. “They are contributing money to my campaign,....

          Okay, so I can hardly wait to see the list of "grassroots" Republicans who have donated to his campaign.
          You know, when the weather's muggy and it's too darned hot to do much of anything but drink iced tea and sit on the veranda, it's nice to know that David Wallace holds promise to be just as entertaining as Tom.


June 19 - Daddy Bush appointee Judge Sam Sparks refused to quash the Temporary Restraining Order allowed in State District Court preventing the Republican Party of Texas from naming one of the seven dwarfs to replace DeLay on the ballot. So, the Republicans went judge-shopping and bought diddle squat.
          The hearing in Judge Spark's court is set for June 26th. I don't work much in June and apparently neither does Judge Sparks. At least he doesn't seem in any rush to help the Republicans settle this quickly.

June 18 - Okay, so how drunk was he? Bigger question: does anyone know if he IS registered to vote in northern California? Biggerest question: Does he even know where he is? Click here to hear Tom Delay slur and stumble through one more Republican Retribution phone call. Remember -- he wasn't making this call about a Democrat, he was making it about a fellow Republican.

June 16 - Well, lookie, lookie, lookie who's forum shopping now. Bless their hearts, the Republicans are trying to pull another Bush V. Gore and find activist judges to rule in their favor.
          The only federal issue in the case is the Constitutional qualifications for serving in congress. This case is about state election law. Period. But, noooooo, the Republicans realize that Tom DeLay - their poster boy -- has screwed, glued, and tattooed them from putting someone else on the ballot.
          They know they can't win with state law, so they are quite literally making a federal case out of it. Since they don't have the law on their side, they'll shoot for an ultra-conservative "activist" judge who'll rule that laws aren't for Republicans.

June 16 - Let me get this straight -- Fort Bend Constable Ruben Davis will let me buy my own constable "badge" if I volunteer at his office? How much time do I have to volunteer?
          Ruben is worthless as a four card flush. Goodness sake, Richmond isn't even in Ruben's precinct.
         This is not the first of Ruben's advisors to be under criminal charges or the first one trying to run a scam. I wonder how much it costs in political contributions to be a Ruben Davis advisor?

June 15 - Okay, so I'm not going to work much today. However, the customers are on a roll so go to Email from Hell and get a belly laugh or two.
          There's another website with some dandy DeLay information. Enjoy!

June 14 - Those gol-durn liberals up there in Virginia are trying to make Tom look drunk and nuts again. I dunno, it just seems to follow him wherever he goes ---

One congressional primary candidate in Northern Virginia got some last-minute help from one of his district's newest voters, former House majority leader Tom DeLay, the Texas Republican who recently took up official residence in Alexandria.

Mark Ellmore, a candidate for the GOP nomination in the 8th Congressional District, said he had a chance meeting with DeLay on Sunday. DeLay, under indictment on campaign money-laundering charges in Texas, offered his support.

DeLay's staff members set up an automated call from their boss that went to 8,000 voters in the district -- which includes Alexandria, Arlington County and part of Fairfax County -- urging them to the polls to support Ellmore.

Problem was, in the intro, DeLay said "Northern California" instead of "Northern Virginia."

          Ellmore, of course, lost the Republican primary. Ellmore, of course, blamed it on the liberals.

He said he welcomed DeLay's support -- regardless of what the majority of left-leaning voters in the district might think of the former Texas congressman."

          Okay, so you're telling me (1) Tom DeLay doesn't even know what the hell state in lives in now, and (2) some fool will run an endorsement from someone who everybody else thinks is creepy.
          But the best line of all is at the end when Ellmore is asked if maybe having DeLay endorse him might not be real smart right now. He, Bless his heart, replies, "Look, have zero political clout. I was honored." Honey, you gotta have less than zero to think Tom DeLay will raise your numbers."

June 13 - You know, I was wondering why it was that Tom DeLay could vote in a Virginia primary while he was still representing the good people of the Texas 22nd Congressional District.
          Well, apparently I'm not the only one who was pondering that. My friend Muse found a little story about it. Okay, so no wonder he had to scam everybody out of campaign donations -- he's supporting about 20 lawyers now.
          And even sadder, Tom's wife isn't moving with him to Virginia. Tom says she's staying here to take care of the foster children out at Rio Bend, which is kinda lame being as how they all have foster parents already and Lutheran charities is overseeing the whole thing now and she lives a fairly long drive away from where they stashed those kiddos and they've already got volunteers helping out the kazoo. However, given a choice between taking care of foster children or DeLay, I know I'd pick the foster kids because they'd be a whole lot less trouble. I mean, I'd make the same choice.
          And check the Email from Hell because Ellen has a great Grandma Carol line.

June 12 - When enough is never enough.
          Times may be tough for veterans, people on Medicare, or anybody who buys gasoline, but Tom Craddick just went from being a pig to a hog.

AUSTIN, Texas --Businessmen, a lobbyist and a major corporate foundation have donated almost $700,000 in the past eight days to pay for the renovation of Texas House Speaker Tom Craddick's apartment inside the Capitol, according to documents obtained Friday by The Associated Press.

Watchdog groups are aghast at the fundraising effort, saying people and businesses that could benefit from future legislation shouldn't be allowed to spruce up the taxpayer-provided home of the man who controls the destiny of proposed state laws.

          By the time Craddick "pays back" all those donations, we would have gotten off cheaper by just giving him 50 million dollars of our tax money.
          I guess ole Tom is planning on staying a while, what with all these folks "investing" in him.

June 11 - Okay, so here's why I didn't type anything about Carole Keeton Stayhorn Rylander Cougar Mellencamp wanting to be listed on the ballot as "Grandma" -- John Kelso beat me to it and he's funnier than I'll ever be.

Besides, it could have been worse.

Strayhorn could have opted for Moms. Too many bikers use that as a tattoo, so it wouldn't be dignified. Grandma is also a better pick than Honey Chile', Tootsie, Boom Boom, Baby Cakes, Snook'ems, Tassels or Nana

         That settles it -- I have to get me a friend named Tassels. So, if your name is Tassels, please contact me. I want to be your friend.

June 10 - I'm playing over at fortbendnow.com again.
         Just a note to add to your Blackberry. My band, Bitchin' Betty and the Sequined Backhoes, will be playing over there next week. You might want to reserve your tickets now.

June 9 - As promised, here is the Temporary Restraining Order granted to keep the Texas Republican Party from starting the process to remove Tom DeLay's name from the November ballot.
          You would think the local Republicans would be grateful and happy that we're keeping them from going to hell faster than a bullet with legs for perpetrating a scam on the voting public, but noooooooo .... they are whining. That's what they do best, whine. They are saying things like, "Waaaaa ... That's just like Democrats --- run to the courthouse when they don't like the way things are going."
          Holy Mother of Pearl on a Dip Stick! God needs to make hypocrisy painful.
          I hate to be mindful, sane and all that stuff in the creative chaos of convenient forgetfulness, but it wasn't local Democrats who pranced over to the courthouse to try to have Troy Niels taken off the ballot while he was honorably serving his country in Iraq.
          And it really bothers me to have to remind the local Republicans that it wasn't Democrats who scampered to a courtroom to have long time public servant Glory Hopkins taken off the ballot.
          Local Republicans haven't had an election since Elvis died that they weren't at the courthouse filing legal papers to get somebody off the ballot. Goodness sakes, you people don't remember Deborah Champagne when she tried to run as a Democrat for District Court judge? I'm sure I'll think of more when I have time to ponder on it.
          On Edit: I just thought of some more. How 'bout the time Republican sheriff Milton Wright tried to take Democratic candidate Tom Steinmeyer to court to have Tom removed from the ballot?
          Better yet, how 'bout in 2002 when Tom DeLay took Michael Fjetland to federal court to try to get him off the ballot in the GOP primary?
          Shuddup. Your whining is making me cranky.
          By the way, the Fort Bend Chamber of Commerce is giving Tom DeLay a $50 a plate dinner to honor him next month. You'd think the Republicans would want him on their ticket.
          Hey, if you get bored over the weekend, here's a game for you and kids.

June 9 - Okay, This is going to be quick. Here's the deal. I've got somewhere important to be this morning so all the news I've got (and I've got plenty) will have to wait until this afternoon. Sorry, but you're not all that important to me.
          Here's some things for you to be thinking about:
          Laylan Copelin over at the Austin American Statesman has discovered that the information Tom DeLay gave to State Republican Party Chair Tina "God's Co-Pilot" Benkiser to prove he has officially moved to Virginia are "copies of DeLay's driver's license, voter registration and application for state tax withholding — all issued in Virginia since his announcement in April." That ain't near enough, Bubba. Close but no cigar. Nah, I take that back -- not even close. Not even hollering distance.
          And, bless his heart, Fort Bend County GOP Party Chairman Gary Gillen told Bob Dunn over at Fort Bend Now ----

But despite the temporary restraining order, Gillen said, “we would still do what we were supposed to do” at the county level, and hold a special executive committee meeting June 14 to select Fort Bend County’s representative to the District Executive Committee.

          I guess I'll have to flag down one of Gillen's exterminating trucks today and read the judge's TRO to him real sloooooowly. The TRO says "anyone acting on her (Tina's) behalf or at her direction is enjoined from taking any action." I'll post a copy of it this afternoon.
          And I am certain that Tom DeLay's Liar for Hire, Shannon Flaherty, has shot off her mouth somewhere over all this so we'll be looking for that.
          I'll be back this afternoon so hang on.
          By the way, to the folks who emailed me last night about me saying up at the top that we're the only congressional district in Texas without representation ---- I feel real bad for the people in DeeCee. I do.

June 8 - The TRO was granted, and the Chairman of the Texas Republican Party is enjoined from calling a meeting of the District Executive Committee. A full hearing will be held on June 22nd. In granting the order, Judge Darlene Byrne wrote,

"Plaintiffs are entitled to a Temporary Restraining Order because it is probable they will prevail against Defendant and obtain a permanent injunction . If the Temporary Restraining Order is not granted, irreparable harm is imminent, as the meeting (the local District Executive Committee) is expected to be called at any moment.

         Here's the court documents filed by the Texas Democratic party.
          By the way, by granting this, the judge is probably keeping DeLay from going to hell for taking people's money under false pretenses. I think he owes her a big thanks!

June 8 - Whoa, Howdy. Bob Dunn at fortbendnow.com has some great big giant breaking news.
          Since the Republicans are so willing and able to defend DeLay's scams - past and present - it looks like somebody is finally standing up to him and his swindles. The Texas Democratic party says you cannot take the voter's time and money, then run like a bank robber and keep it to yourself. They will stop DeLay from taking his name off the ballot. He's the Republican nominee. He's the overwhelming choice of the Republican party. He has to face the music. Hallelujah, it's about time that somebody held him responsible for his actions.
          One of my personal favorite lines from the lawsuit ---

DeLay has finally let voters in on his true intent: he wants to have his name removed from the ballot in November and replaced with another candidate while keeping the money contributed to his primary campaign in clear violation of the Texas Election Code.

The Texas Election Code permits a candidate to withdraw. However, the Legislature attached a cost to withdraw after a primary. If a candidate withdraws after his party’s primary, the party cannot substitute another candidate for the withdrawing candidate. The reason for this rule is simple – the Legislature did not want the candidates duping voters into contributing money and energy to the candidate in the primary, only to watch the candidate take the money and run, not in the general election, but to the bank. So the law places the burden on the party in whose primary the candidate ran – in this instance the Republican party – to make sure that candidates in the party’s primary intend to and will run in the general election. If the Party fails to impose this discipline, the penalty is that the Party cannot insert another candidate into the race for District 22.

          Let the Republican whining and gnashing of teeth begin!
          Hey GOPper boys, Tom's your man. Where's the love now? Huh?

June 8 - Well, the Texas Republican Party bought into the scam. Under a little known plank of the Texas Republican platform, Section 14, subsection 32a, second paragraph, it says "running a scam on the voting public is a sacred American right as long as (1) a Republican is doing it, and (2) Jesus would do it, too."
          So we can add "scamming people over where he lives," to Tom's long list of scams -- including the one where he took money for his re-election, lied about how many yardsigns and campaign materials he was buying with that money, and then pocketed the dough -- to the Ain't Tom DeLay a Great Republican! file.
          Texas Republican Chair Tina Benkiser .... no wait, that's incorrect. Tina announced last weekend that God is Chairman of the Texas Republican Party, so I guess she's Co-Chair or something ... had these words to say about one of the sleaziest men in America ...

"Congressman Tom DeLay was one of the most effective leaders that the U.S. Congress has ever known as well as one of the best advocates for American values of faith, family and freedom," Benkiser said. "We will miss Congressman DeLay in Congress but look forward to his continued leadership in the fight for conservative principles."

          Tina! Woman! Put on your big girl panties and face the truth. And, by the way, it would also help if you'd quit yakking like a crazy woman.

June 7 - Oh dear, they're giving Tom a party. Let's see which of the Republican second-string contenders kisses his butt the most. Let's see who is willing to have their picture taken with Tom.

June 7 - Okay, you know those ads that you see on teevee and in the back pages of the newspaper saying, "Work at home and earn thousands of dollars and a fancy lifestyle! I did it, so can you!" Well, I always thought they were a scam. Boy howdy! Was I wrong!
          The next person you'll see doing those ads on teevee is Christine DeLay, Tom DeLay's wife. She did it! By gawd, no talent, no expertise, no experience, and she still raked in the dough working at home. I need a job like that. I qualify. I ain't got no experience either.

A registered lobbyist opened a retirement account in the late 1990s for the wife of then-House Whip Tom DeLay (R-Tex.) and contributed thousands of dollars to it while also paying her a salary to work for him from her home in Texas, according to sources, documents and DeLay's attorney, Richard Cullen.

          For months the big rumor around here has been that Christine is not moving to Virginia with him. The joke is that the sanctity of marriage does not necessarily include the sanctity of putting up with each other.

June 6 - You know, it does my heart good to know that Ann Coulter's newest book made the bargain table even before it came out. And I've got a question -- why does she only own one dress? I mean, there she was at 7:00 this morning on the Today Show wearing a cocktail dress, fusing about gay people and 911 widows, while claiming that God was on her side.
          Maybe Ann and Shannon could get together and have a bimbothon.

June 6 - You know, almost as nice as seeing Tom DeLay go, it's a delight to see Shannon Flaherty's testy little temper depart.
          Some of DeLay's last remaining pals are giving him a don't-let-the-door-hit-you .... party at a French restaurant. A reporter noted the irony of this, considering that DeLay is such a France-basher. Instead of having something witty and delightful to say about it, Shannon snipped back ---

DeLay spokeswoman Shannon Flaherty was unhappy with any references to the restaurant as French. "This is an American restaurant (last I checked the owner came here from France some 30 years ago) that serves French cuisine," she said in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

"I trust that you do know Mr. DeLay is French," she said.

          Shannon Flaherty - the only person on earth more snotty than the French! That impressive!
          By the way, I'm having dinner at Taco Palenque tonight - an American restaurant that serves Mexican cuisine. Well, you really couldn't call it cuisine because that's a French word. Boy, this is hard.

June 6 - I was listening to some people on the radio last night who are real sure that the world is coming to an end today because of all the 6's. It's 06-06-06, ya know. I think that's all a bunch of hogwash, and they're gonna feel really stupid if the world comes to an end tomorrow.
          In winding-down DeLay news, The Hill reports that the DeLay departure will be a deliberately low-key affair. Ya think? I mean, he's under at least two federal investigations and indictment in Texas. You can't get much lower than that.
          Interestingly, The Hill also reports ---

Republicans in Texas cannot name his successor on the ballot until DeLay has officially resigned. Representatives from each of the four counties in his district will convene to name his replacement when the resignation becomes official. In a recent poll conducted by Fort Bend County, the largest county in the district, Republican voters threw overwhelming support behind Sugar Land Mayor David Wallace.

          Oh dear. Well, look at this this way --- if the fools in this county are going to elect a wheeler-dealer Congressman with no scruples, at least it's another one with Sugar Land behind his name. We people in Richmond appreciate that.

June 5 - Heads up! Roll Call (by subscription only and you really should subscribe) is reporting this morning that Tom DeLay is packing up his office.

Despite the prospect of future document requests from the Justice Department or other investigators, DeLay’s staff said that, for now, the final step is to decide where to permanently house all of his files and papers.

Connolly said an “academic institution” in Texas will be the final resting place for the lawmaker’s papers.

There is no legal requirement that DeLay maintain any of his files that haven’t already been subjected to subpoenas or document requests from investigators.

          Okay, first off, I think we all need to agree right here and now that the Halls of Salvation Bible College, Our Lady of Perpetual Avoidance Division, does not count as an "academic institution," I don't care how long they've had a Tom DeLay Professorship of Hammer and Hot Tubs. (Goodness sake, when even Roll Call, a non-partisan report, feels the need to put the words "academic institution" in quotation marks whenever mentioned within 25 words of "Tom DeLay," it's time we quit kidding ourselves - he didn't help our image.)
          Second off, I hope they got a 50,000 mile or 4 year warranty on their shredder, Honey, because I'm certain that thing will be working loooong into the night. Plus, I think some of those boxes will be sleeping with Jimmy Hoffa.

June 5 - Okay, I just think we deserve a public warning about this, and maybe it should be put on the county's website or something.
          This weekend at the Republican State Convention, Terese Raia and Cress Ann Posten were elected as State Executive Committeewomen from Fort Bend County. Oh dear. We're gonna need some body armor.
          As you recall, Cress Ann was one of the organizers of the "wrecking" on the steps of Sugar Hall City Hall against anyone who would dare speak against Tom DeLay. Terese was there, smiling and watching her thugs intimidate, hit, push, scream, and shove in the name of Jeeeesus.
          Where do Republicans find these women? Is there a special 12-step program for them? Can't we do a bimbo intervention?

          And, I'm sad to say, Bobby Eberle (see May 31st below) got beat for Vice Chair. However, at the "Holy Land," the Republicans were about two hallelujahs away from snake handling and foot washing.
          And, bygawd, they want the Lord to do something about them Meskins all over the place, taking all the good jobs ....

At Saturday morning's prayer meeting, ministers delivered prayers, gospel singers sang, and the Rev. Dale Young, pastor of First Presbyterian Church in Laredo, picked up the convention's dominant theme of immigration.
"Lord, your words tell us there's a sign that this nation is under a curse, when the alien who lives among us grows higher and higher and we grow lower and lower," he preached.

          (NOTE: I am NOT making this stuff up.)
          Ya know, one of the way you might keep from going lower and lower is to get out of the darned mud, my friend.

June 3 - The Texas Republican State Convention is this weekend in San Antonio. I was hoping to attend as a gay agnostic immigrant who just loves the Dixie Chicks and favors restriction on personal nuclear weapon ownership unless, of course, you're using those nukes to hunt deer or defend the doublewide, but I got busy and forgot to get my required "Hey Dude, It Ain't Like W Shot Them Iraqi Civilians Himself, Ya Know" tee-shirt.
          I heard a rumor that they're gonna elect Eberle (see May 31st below) by a landslide. Sweet mother of fried moon pies on a stick, please let that be true.
          Bless their hearts, these people are such fun. They want a plank in their state platform that denies medical help to any illegal immigrant. That means they would step over a 5 year old illegal immigrant child bleeding to death on their front lawn so they could get into their Hummer and drive to a rally protesting embryonic stem cell research. You gotta love that in a person.

          Meanwhile, Governor Rick Perry, who set a land speed record trying to distance himself from George W, took on people who don't look like him. Steve McGraw is Perry's Director of Homeland Security. Lord help us.

McCraw gave delegates a closed-door briefing before addressing reporters. He said last year there were 133,045 individuals from countries other than Mexico caught illegally entering the country through the Texas border.

"Individuals that came from Afghanistan, Yemen, Iraq, Iran, Indonesia, Pakistan. We know we have an al-Qaida front. Those are the ones we caught," McCraw said.

He acknowledged that only one individual had any suspected ties to terrorism, which he wouldn't discuss. But he said anyone from a country linked to terrorism should be considered a suspect.

"If you think of it as an army of jihadists coming into the country to do corporate-style al-Qaida attacks, simultaneous attacks, everyone counts," McCraw said.

          Hey Bubba, you're looking the wrong direction, Fool! You need to look up, not down. It's them darned hockey players we need to watch out for, eh?
          Okay, I'll up it. My sister-in-law is Canadian. I'm turning her snow lovin' butt over to McCraw tomorrow. I've always been suspicious when at ballgames she didn't say the "Under God" part during the National Anthem.

June 2 - When having a fish and a Fort Bend Baptist Academy bumper sticker on your car just isn't enough.....
          That is soooo handy. Now Jesus doesn't even have to ask you any questions when Armageddon comes because you've already got a Jesus shirt!
          (No, I'm not making fun of Christians. I am making fun of people who have to constantly tell you that they're Christians because you sure can't tell by their behavior. Those people are annoy the spit out of me.)

June 2 - It's June. Those of you who have been around for a while know that I don't work much in June. And that's another reason why this place isn't a blog. A blog smacks of actual work. People expect you to "post" something every day on a blog. Heck, I don't even change clothes every day. Okay, so maybe I do. Maybe I even change clothes several times a day. That was a bad example. Let's change it to --- I don't cook every day. No, that won't work either because I don't even cook every week. Okay, so I can't think of anything I might not do every day to use as an example. See, this is turning into work.
          And I kinda need to get something together for fortbendnow.com because if I don't, people will think Bob fired me just because certain elected officials complained that he puts my thoughts in his online newspaper. (And Bob, dang him!, won't tell me which ones so I can write about them more often.) I gotta write something about the elected officials so they'll have something to whine about. See, without me they'd all think they are just one lightening strike away from being God. We can't be having that. I gotta keep them in line. That's work. I don't work too much in June.
          And by golly, anybody can put their thoughts on fortbendnow.com Last time I checked, the Republican tom cats were clawing each other to death over there. Hey, reading that stuff beats working any day of the week!

May 31 - Remember Jeff Gannon? You remember, the guy who asked softball questions at White House press briefings until he was outed as a gay prostitute? And you probably also remember that Gannon got his press credentials though an online far rightwing news service named Talon News. After all the dust up, what with people wondering how a gay prostitute got into White House press briefings under protection of an online so-called news service, Gannon and his very public nakkid body just kinda went away.

The owner of Talon News is a guy named Bobby Eberle, a beloved icon of the Super DeLux Brand Christian right. Eberle changed the name of Talon News to GOPUSA and never offered an explanation about why his nasty boy reporter got White House access. Or why he even hired a nasty-boy.

          But, Eberle is back in a big way. He is running for VICE-Chair of the Texas Republican Party. No, Dude, I am not making this up. I couldn't make this stuff up; I'm not that funny.
          I'm rootin' for him big time! Not only does he appear to have a lot of faith in vice as the turning factor for Republicanism, he's also obviously fond of evil-looking pictures of himself.
          The voting is this weekend in San Antonio at the Republican State Convention. The pro-family folks have endorsed him. Oh, this is gonna be good!

May 31 - My friend Sandy sent me a link to a blog worth visiting, especially if you're raising children, lettuce, and hell in Texas. She's handy with a camera, too.

May 29 - A thank you to all our veterans, especially mine.
          I have a question about Sugar Land. I do not understand why "Congressman" Tom DeLay was the special "honored" guest speaker at the Sugar Land Memorial Day Celebration this morning. It was an insult to every veteran present. Tom DeLay is not a veteran because he's a big chicken, too afraid to fight in a war. Tom DeLay left us without a Congressman for six months because he's a big chicken, too afraid to fight Nick Lampson. Tom DeLay refuses to even live in his home in Sugar Land because he's a big chicken, too afraid to face his neighbors.
          Big ugly vicious hateful mean nasty wheelin'-dealin' chicken. Shame on you, Sugar Land, for even letting him stand in front of veterans.
          However, I wonder if Tom is spending this afternoon with his lawyers because it appears that there's a third investigation underway. Brent Wilkes is another Jack Abramoff. Tom can really pick his friends, huh?
          I guess every law enforcement agency in the country has to get in line to see who's going to send him to prison first. This is just my opinion, but I think they ought to let some veterans escort Tom to prison.
          Muse has some great pictures of the event and even a picture of Shelley Sekula-Gibbs wearing leggings to a public event.

May 26 - Our loyal customer, Fran Fenway, attended the Republican debate last night. Here's her take .....

Here are the first impressions:

The answer to any question: Immigration and Runaway spending. Build a fence, put in the National Guard, and ship em all back to Mexico.

And the Republicans in Congress aren't conservative enough. But all of us are, so send us there.

The seven dwarfs...uh, oh there were eight...had a hard time distinguishing themselves from each other. And almost all are FOT (friends of Tom) but of course no one wants an endorsement, which Tom wouldn't do anyway. Most want us to know they talk to Tom regularly and expect his help. They all looked alike, except the blonde who was fond of Tom. Ok, Dave Wallace was the prettiest one there. Hands down. And generally talked like he had a brain. Except when asked what assets he had to beat Lampson, when he took the question literally and said that he'd been organizing and raising funds since TD told him he was out of the picture...I had to suppress a smirk.

The intro weren’t anything out of the ordinary. Charlie Howard (CH) and Robert Talton (RT) puffed up over who had the most awards for being top rated conservatives. I didn't know there were so many organizations that kept track of such things and gave out awards for it all. Amazing. Charlie wins the folksy voice contest. What the voice actually says, not so much...

Mike Jackson (NOT Michael) -(MJ)- is a State Senator for 3 of the 4 counties in CD22. Construction guy, won his first race by 7 votes in '88. The rest is history.

ANDY Meyers (AM) - he was a smaller presence than I thought he'd be. Definitely lightweight. Mr Commish used the scare tactics so beloved by the current administration. Nick Lampson wins, the Dems win Congress, they'll impeach our president. IMPENDING DISASTER. Simple, logical conclusion. The CD 22 candidate must be a ROCK SOLID conservative.

DOCTOR Shelly (SSG) had to let us know she was DOCTOR Shelly, a physician, the only FEMALE up there (God Bless her little soul) and maybe her 'company man' dad named her after Shell Oil...cute. And she's for every plank of the GOP platform. I think I heard the Stars and Stripes Forever in the background...She wants to secure the borders, fight terrorism, end the war, save Ellington Field, find a fair tax, defend the 2nd amendment, honor LIFE and marriage between a man and a woman ONLY, and don't forget tort reform (though no one said what they want to do with it).

Campbell (TC) wants to close the borders and cut spending across the board by 10% EXCEPT for DOD and National Security. Where the heck does he think MOST of the money is GOING???? He also wants to cut Dept of Education. Here's where I say a quick prayer of thanks that my youngest has only one more year of public school.

Tim Turner (TT) is MAD. That's why he's running. He has the same birthday as Ronald Regan. I'm impressed. This must mean something. Got to get back to basics, wake up the base, or else lose the race to Lampson. This would be a terrible thing.

Dave Wallace (DW) thinks he can do in DC for CD22 what he's done for Sugar Land and the Thatchers. He's an investment banker, and honey, when he talks people listen.

Speaking of God, He (God is Republican here) blessed the audience (4x), Texas, Our Great Country, the USA, our troops...by the end of the intros, Dave Wallace was last, I had run out of patience and just jotted down God Bless Us Everyone. Sorry Mr Dickens.

Soo, the press questions...

Kumar (they only called him Kumar, one name, like Prince or Cher or Beyonce') asked what distinguishes you from the other 7, and what assets do you have to beat Nick Lampson?

SSG: Nick endorsed her opponent and they spent lots of bucks trying to defeat her, but she prevailed and she can beat him again.

RT: Didn't hear the ? Then didn't understand the ?...oh my Since '92 has been through elections, he's an attorney, he can read legislation and can debate (hey, so can you!), you can check his conservative record. His main asset is he can bait Lampson, he's UNAFRAID. (Glad he is, I'm VERY AFRAID!)

TT: Doesn't have a voting record, it's a big PLUS. He can attack Lampson's voting history to separate his base to support hissownself and his conservative values.

DW: likes to 'think outside the box' to impact the bottom line. His asset has been campaigning since day 1 (so his asset is $$)

TC: Has Washington experience. Asset, has been through a tough campaign. All the dirty laundry is out.

CH: Has worked with TD for years. Knows all the ins and outs and how it all works. (I won't even go there). His asset: He's squeaky clean. Doesn't spend a lot of money, has lots of volunteers, and still gets 67% of the vote.

MJ: Represents 3 of the 4 counties in CD 22. Has been through tough elections.

AM: Has been on the Houston-Galveston area board for 10 years. Has long term business/professional/political relationships with all the officials in CD22

Impressed yet? Question 2 from Bob Dunn (they used his whole name)

What are the 2 most serious economic problems and how can Congress help solve them?

AM: Illegal Immigrants Runaway Spending by legislators not acting like conservatives but more like Liberal Democrats. Help by stopping them at the Border, send back the ones that are here, and reduce spending.

MJ: Immigration costs more than any problem we have (I'm thinking, even Iraq?) Have to seal the borders. Also need to adopt energy policy to get into our reserves. We're paying outrageous prices and can't get to our own oil (He obviously has a good grasp of the problem here...not)

CH: 1) We don't enforce the laws we have (Illegal Immigration). We can cut spending by 25% by enforcing our laws. 2)Late earmarks. Have to stop adding to bills.

TC: Out of control spending (again mentions his 10% cut across the board), CUT FOREIGN AID, CUT THE EDUCATION DEPT, AND CUT THE UN. We need to declare energy independence.

DW: The billion dollar a day deficit. Eliminate pork earmarks and 2) Immigration...Catch and Release is frightening....

TT: Immigration...we need a true immigration policy. 2) spending...TEAR UP THE IRS. (I'm seeing a trend, cut all 10%, cut the ed dept, cut the UN, cut foreign aid, cut out the IRS...)

RT: Immigration. Build a fence. WHY isn't the National Guard on the border (duh, maybe they're in Iraq?) and 2)spending

SSG: Immigration. We're spending too much taking care of people. (Physician heal thyself) and 2) stop addiction to foreign oil and illegal workers

OK, you can see why I'm getting weary here...it's all getting repetitive and they are all saying the same things...

Steven Palkot asks about commuter rail line to FBC..

Not a popular question. Basically all agreed it's not economically feasible.

Kumar asks award winning lame question that gives no insight into anything: Answer Good or Bad to getting DeLay's endorsement.

Wasted too much time having them all say what a great guy Tom was, all he did for the district, but hey, no baggage. And he doesn't endorse anyone anyway. Snore.

Fran

And Muse has a take on it, too.

May 25 - Playing over at FortBendNow.com again.

May 24 - Okay, I had a great conversation yesterday with a admired friend. We concluded, after much discussion, that Republicans have no sense of humor. That's how you know they're Republicans. At the time, one of us mentioned Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
          Republicans don't "get" Stewart or Colbert, mainly because Republicans don't get self-depreciating humor or satire - it's a little too sophisticated for them.
          Today's there's proof. And, of course, Tom DeLay did it. I'm sure that DeLay will take it off his website soon. Surely someone will explain it to him. (And, don't call me Shirley.)
          There's a running joke around here about District Attorney John Healey. When people comment that John has no sense of humor, I defend John. "Yes, he mostly certainly does have a sense of humor," I say. "If you tell him that something is funny, he'll laugh." (John won't understand why that is funny.)
          Same deal with Tom.
          By the way, anyone who would give Tom money after all those fancy golf trips and $800 dinners for 2, either has a sense of humor or no sense at all. Especially since Brent Perry is the contact person on the website.

May 24 - Here's a great Abramoff For Dummies.

May 24 - I’m getting worried.
          Several weeks ago, a friend of mine ran into Sheriff Milton Wright. Milton, a man who is the triumph of an uncluttered mind, was saying as how a “group” of people had come to him and asked him to run for Tom DeLay’s open Congressional seat.
          I’m glad I got to type that sentence instead of telling you because I can’t say the whole sentence without laughing so hard that unattractive matter comes out of my nose. Truly, it takes me about 3 minutes to say that one sentence. And local listeners have the same reaction. Three girlfriends and I almost shut down a local eatery when I told them about it. I tried to tell another girlfriend over the cell phone machine and I swear to Sweet Aunt Ethel that she dropped her phone into the toilet so she could tend to the unattractive matter coming out of her nose.
          I think somebody needs to tell the Sheriff that Craig Brady, Mary Ward, and Lester Phipps does not constitute a serious “group.” And having Texas Ranger Jeff Cook in the group doesn’t count either because he wants Milton’s job so bad that that he’s been practicing the accordion on the sly.
          We just left it at that, figuring Milton was delusional again because somebody was kissing some serious bohunkus. I didn’t even bother to tell you about it here because it was a lot more fun to tell people in person and see their reaction.
          But, former Sugar Land City councilman Brian Gaston has been hinting lately that there’s going to be some late entries into the selected Republican second-stringer replacement.
          Oh please, if there is a humor muse, please let it be Milton. Oh please. No, I’m serious, please.
          I imagine that the downside is that he didn’t get any write-in votes on the GOP $6,500 not-a-real-survey, and heckfire, if we’re tallying the depth of the goofus support, County Commissioner Tom Stavinoha even got a vote. However, I will admit, most folks suspect Tom voted for himself because nobody else can spell his name.
          I just want to point out that Milton can’t be a Congressman if English is declared the official language of the United States. He don’t speak it good.

May 24 - The Hill (sorry, subscription only) had me giggling this morning. As my friend Alfredo says, "Some pathetic Republican who can't live in a world without DeLay in public office made a pathetic effort to get DeLay's name written in for city council in heavily Democratic Alexandria, Virginia."
          No, we're not kidding.
          Here's an excerpt ...

City Councilman DeLay? Now that he has settled on Alexandria, Va., as his permanent residence — a neat way to disqualify himself from the ballot in the 22nd Congressional district of Texas — Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas) is exploring his options for the future. Some folks in Alexandria apparently hope that will include running for local office.

HOH recently discovered an e-mail that was circulating in GOP circles just prior to the Alexandria City Council election earlier this month. The subject: “Tom DeLay for Alexandria City Council.”

The e-mail, from “citizen kane” read:

“EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT TO VOTE on May 2nd in Alexandria’s local election.
“More importantly, send a message to the socialists on the City Council and EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT TO WRITE IN A CANDIDATE’S NAME.
“The ‘Right’ Candidate for Alexandria City Council.
“He was also able to defeat Marxism in Eastern Europe; perhaps he can help us defeat Marxism west of the Potomac in Alexandria. Let’s drop the ‘Hammer’ on Alexandria’s Politburo!
“Please, write in the name of new Alexandria, VA resident, and former House Majority Leader TOM DELAY!!! Tom DeLay for City Council!”

          There's a snippy little quote in the article from Shannon Flaherty, but I've save you from the vicious meanness of her dark soul this morning.
          The good news is that the votes were counted and Tom ain't on the city council. He probably got the same number of votes that he got as a write-in here, two - his and the dude who whacked the old lady at the "wrecking."

May 23 - Well, it's been two since we've heard from the continuing saga of the Roseland City Council, the only place on earth nuttier than Fort Bend.
          They are at it again. This time it was on primary election day.

ROSELAND -- Town Council President Dorothy Snyder swears that a flier about leaf pickup in the town distributed earlier this month was a subversive political message.

Now, she is calling for an investigation by state and county officials -- including St. Joseph County Prosecutor Michael Dvorak -- into what she calls Town Council member Charley Shields' criminal use of town resources for personal gain.

---and ---

According to Sherry, David Snyder stopped by the town maintenance garage, where Sherry was working, and yelled at him about a sign Sherry had displayed on his privately owned truck. The sign endorsed Ted Penn for Town Council.

Sherry says David Snyder was hostile and used foul language to threaten him, saying, "If Mr. Penn wins, you are out of a job," and, "I will make your life hell."

Penn won the Democratic nomination for the council seat that will be vacated Dec. 1 by Dorothy Snyder.

          So, if things ever get boring around here, I'm moving to Indiana and running for city council.

May 23 - Outgoing GOP party chairman Eric Thode had some dire predictions for the local GOP come this November. He thinks at least a couple of the local Republican candidates are in trouble.
          Please file this information in the "Well, Duh" Department.
          Only a couple?
          I mean, there's only so many white boys in the county, you know. And I think the Republicans made a rule where they could only vote once.
          Gimme a break. People are finally seeing that having a one-party government is not so hot. Cronyism and corruption is not a great record to campaign on, ya know. There's more than a couple of local Republicans in trouble.

May 22 - For those of you who may have missed it, a genuine American hero, Lt. Col. Rick Noreiga, may be sent on a new mission. I am so blessed to call Rick and his wife Melissa my friends.

LT. Col. Rick Noriega is tanned, rested and ready.

He spent a year in Afghanistan defending America against al-Qaida.

As state representative from the southeast sector of Harris County, the Democrat spent a month in Austin striving to defend Texas schoolchildren against the Republican leadership.

Now he is ready for his next assignment.

He fully expects to be called up as part of the National Guard contingent President Bush promised Monday night to defend the Texas border against immigrant workers.

          Rick Noriega will be President one day, and it will be good for us all - especially us in Fort Bend because his in-laws live in Richmond.

May 22 - Okay, local Republicans in Fort Bend, the bar has been raised. You gotta get just a tad meaner to beat this. Out in California, a Republican candidate sent this out against his Republican primary opponent.
          Where's the love, dude?
          Does a brain transplant count?

May 22 - Oh my gosh, y'all. We have obtained a secret tape of the Fort Bend Republican meeting the other night.

Video: Smackdown in Fort Bend

          Okay, so I'm fudging a little. But, heckfire honey, it could happen here. One more smart crack from Dean Hrbacek and somebody's liable to go all Czech Republic on him.

May 22 - No, I haven't quit the beauty salon business just because Tom DeLay is "retiring." It ain't like he's the only politician who's one big shiny ball short of a bowling tournament. I've got plenty of other people to pick on - including just about everybody who wants to be the DeLay replacement.
          However, Roll Call (subscription only) has a little tidbit that the DeLay replacement had better heed.

     How the Mighty Have Fallen. While Republican leaders were rounding up wayward Members late Wednesday night to pass the budget bill, Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas) was playing tour guide to some visiting constituents.
     An aide spotted the former Majority Leader showing a group of visitors the Rayburn Room and other main attractions in the Capitol.
     DeLay spokeswoman Shannon Flaherty said her boss was “visiting with a group of constituents who were in town and showed them around the Capitol. ... Even though he’s preparing to retire, Congressman DeLay knows the importance of spending time with constituents and appreciated the opportunity to show them around the Capitol.”

          "....DeLay knows the importance of spending time with constituents...." No, Shannon Honey, DeLay never knew that and that's one great big reason why you're out of a job next month. Yes, I'm beating him up while he's down -- that son of a motherless goat left me without a congressman for 6 months and he's gonna hear me whine about it for six months.
          If you have some free time this morning, wander on over to fortbendnow.com and watch the Republicans fight. I'll have some thoughts about their fight tomorrow. Meanwhile, you can see if they are still the party of big ideas.

May 19 - The local GOPpers met last night for the first time with their newly-elected chairman. It was pretty much a disaster according to a spy from the beauty shop who was there. Describing newly elected party chair, Gary Gillen, as hopelessly out-smarted at every turn, I heard that if he had spent even 30 more seconds in aside conferences with the fellas from the State Party, Gillen would have qualified for an homestead exemption in Travis County.
          Insider commented that Gillen kept saying:

"Well, my goal was to bring unity to the party, but I can see that isn't going to happen". Seriously, he kept saying that and everyone would nod, laugh, roll their eyes, make snide comments.

also

Ah, the survey. They actually had the 18,000 returned surveys they had mailed back to them (that thing Eric Thode, the previous Ft. Bend Repub chair sent out) there at the meeting in some US post office plastic container things. Everyone had in their hand a flyer that said "shred the surveys". The intention was to count the ballots after the meeting adjourned. In public, in front of whoever wanted to stay. Big deal was made about an open process. A big contingent made a huge fuss to shred the surveys without counting them because they were not accurate, did not include all the candidates, had been sent only one per household, etc. Motions were made and MUCH discussion ensued. It got very, very heated. Part of the deal was that they did not want the Lampson campaign to know the results. Also, they didn't want the other 3 counties to know the results. Finally a vote was called for and they voted to count the surveys tonight. Enough people felt like they would be embarrassed in the press if they shredded the surveys and reason prevailed, I guess.

          Meanwhile, the troops carried the fight outside the saloon and are snarling at each other over at Bob Dunn's site (which, as I predicted, has become the place to be!) They've got one argument here. And a whole different one here.
          There appears to be some grandstanding in the comments at Bob's site over who is giving money to local Republican party and who is taking money. It's right here. Go look for yourself.
          I've pretty much advised the staff and customers at The World's Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. to quietly stand back and let them fight. They are far more vicious and hateful with each other than we could ever be! However, if you want to jump in on this one, have at it.

May 18 - You know the real problem I have with the Christian Coalition? It's that their God is one mean son uva motherless goat who has taken to talkin' to people with teevee shows and questionable sanity.

The Rev. Pat Robertson says God has told him that storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

more.... Robertson has come under intense criticism in recent months for suggesting that U.S. agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for Israel's pullout from the Gaza Strip.

          Somebody needs to tell these people about Sweet Jesus.

          And speaking of questionable sanity, fortbendnow has a story this morning that explains why our Congressvarmint set a resignation date. Cluck, cluck cluck, Tom. Couldn't stand up to an investigation?

After taking no action for more than a year, the House ethics commission announced Wednesday it will conduct probes involving three present or former congressmen, and would have investigated U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay if he weren’t resigning.

“Serious allegations have been made concerning the conduct of Representative Tom DeLay with respect to his participation in certain overseas trips,” the commission said in a statement released to news organizations. However, “in light of Representative DeLay’s announced departure from the House, we are closing the matter.”

             Hey, these are Tom's Congressmen. He put them in office. If he can't trust them to overlook the rule of law as a return favor, then maybe he didn't buy enough of them.

          Which brings us to......

          The Big Buy: "Tom DeLay's Stolen Congress" by filmakers Mark Birnbaum and Jim Schermneck premires tomorrow night at the Angelika Film Center in Houston tomorrow night. The 7:00 showing is sold out, but there's still a few tickets for the 9:00 showing.
          I've seen it - after the re-write - and it's a doozy. You need to see it. If you live in a foreign state, you can buy it right here. You can also download a teaser at that site.

May 16 - I'm acting strange in front of the Christian Coalition again. This time it's alligators.

May 15 - After an election, they usually say, "It's all over 'cept the shouting."
          I'm real scared that may fall under the category of "Not a Joke" in the case of the Fort Bend Independent School Board election. It reminds of fighting parents - I hope they learn to get along, if only for the children's sake.
          This election also proved something I've been saying for a while. The Republican juggernaut in New Territory is a myth. It doesn't exist. This also dumps any hopes that Trustee Ken Bryant may have ever dreamed about defeating Dora Olivo.

May 15 - Thankfully, the Alliance of Baptists has Dumped DeLay, too.
          From this month's newsletter, Stan Hastey, Executive Director of the Alliance of Baptists, writes ...

What a pathetic state of affairs. Encouraged by the likes of Jerry Falwell and Richard Land, Tom DeLay now sees himself as the savior of Christianity in the United States, a country where 85 percent of all citizens identify themselves as Christians. Make no mistake about it. What DeLay is fighting is a war on secular government, the very kind of government the founders of the republic deliberately enshrined in the Constitution.

          And ...

What the so-called “culture wars” of our time, the supposed “war on Christians” is really about, is a full-scale attack on the institutional separation of church and state that has been the genius of our system. It is time to say it plainly: What has saved the United States from religious wars, real wars between and among religions, is the healthy distance between religion and government the founders envisioned.

          It's a powerful article from a REAL Baptist so you might want to read it.
          So, if the 22nd Congressional District won't put up with Tom DeLay and the Baptist don't want him, all that's left an a new profession for Tom is a used car salesman or a lawyer.

May 12 - Our customer, Kathy, sent us a newspaper report from a newspaper in South Bend, Indiana.

ROSELAND -- The circus that has seemingly become many Roseland Town Council meetings was in full swing Thursday.

And the show did not disappoint.

Less than a half hour into the meeting, David Snyder, Town Council vice president, made the announcement that he would present a plaque honoring council member Charley Shields.

The plaque turned out to be a dubious honor, which was revealed when Snyder read the plaque's inscription. Snyder said the plaque would commemorate Shields being the first Town Council member in its history to file a lawsuit against it.

--------snip------

Meanwhile Dorothy Snyder sat in the front of the Town Hall, banging her gavel and announcing that the two of them needed to be removed or arrested.

And that's when the melee began. Someone threw a folding chair on the floor.

Janet Stephens challenged Dorothy Snyder to get off her "fat a--" and remove the Catanzarites herself.

          Okay, if the Fort Bend ISD school board has moved their meetings to Roseland, I think it's only fair that the Fort Bend media is alerted.
          I think FBISD board members Lisa Rickert and Stan McGee are just about one agenda item short of mentioning "fat a--."
          Thanks to Kathy we come closer to proving my theory that there are only 28 politicians in the entire United States and they simply change masks and clothes before going to meetings all over the country.

May 11 - Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

The Honorable J. Dennis Hastert
Speaker
U.S. House of Representatives
The Capitol Building
Washington, D.C. 20515

Dear Mr. Speaker:

It has been a great privilege, a high honor, and one of my most treasured personal pleasures to have served with you and our colleagues in the U.S. House of Representatives for more than twenty-one years. You have been a stellar example for our nation of personal courage and steadfast conviction, and I thank you for your leadership of this great institution as well as for your personal friendship.

As you are aware, I have recently made the decision to pursue new opportunities to engage in the important cultural and political battles of our day from an arena outside of the U.S. House of Representatives. As a result, I am informing you of my intention to formally resign as the representative of the 22nd Congressional District of Texas to be effective at the close of business on June 9, 2006.

May God continue to bless you, the President, this great institution and its Members, and our nation.

Sincerely,
Tom DeLay
Member of Congress

          Not surprisingly, other interesting things have happened on June 9th in our history:

1946 NY Giant Mel Ott becomes the 1st manager to be ejected from both games of a doubleheader

1954 Joseph Welch asks Sen Joseph McCarthy "Have you no sense of decency, sir?" during Senate-Army hearings

          Would I lie? Look it up.

May 11 - He's tanned. He's rested. He's still nuts.
          As if we weren't having enough fun with local Republicans trying to eat each other, enter Steve Stockman.

          Stockman is so nuts that even the GOP has defeated him twice in the primary. He believes everything is a conspiracy, including, quite by accident, a couple of things that really are.
          So, Stockman announced today that he has gathered the required 500 signatures to get his name on the ballot as an independent for CD22.
          This is like winning the lottery for me. On a slow day, I can just go check what Stockman said last night and make you all laugh.

May 11 - The New York Times has an article this morning claiming that there are 2,000 current and ongoing investigations of public corruption. Can we make that 2,001?

May 11 - Both the Victoria Advocate and the Austin American Statesman have articles this morning about the flat earthers in the State Lege who think medical research is satanic and probably has something evil to do with evolution. They want to tie the hands of Texas medical schools and doctors so that we'll have to go to Oklahoma to get any medical care that doesn't involve leeches and laying on of hands.
          Now here's the fun part. These bozos cannot figure out how to pay for public education, but Representative Geanie Morrison of Victoria has figured out how to let you die. Way to go, Geanie!

May 10 - You know, I may soon become the most popular person on earth. I am the only person on the planet who has a complete set of Commissioner (and Wanna-Be Congressman) Andy Meyers campaign contribution and expenditure reports.
          Much to Andy's delight, the county only keeps two years worth of financial records, but I have them all --- including the late ones and the ones where he plays hinky with mathematics. And the one where he loaned his campaign account money it didn't need and then charged 10% interest from his campaign account to re-pay himself.
          There's an old joke that goes, a wife lasts as long as a marriage, but an ex-wife is for the rest of your life. I'm worse than an ex-wife. I made copies of all Andy's reports and handed them out all over a four county area for safekeeping.
          By the way, I noticed that the county spiffied-up our website. You can pay bills, order forms, find the traffic, and do all manner of stuff at the website now. The one thing you can't do is see the campaign contribution and expenditure forms of our elected officials. Hummmm ...... I wonder why that would be?

         And I've been playing over at Bob's again.

May 8 - This I DO get. Brent Wilkes is co-conspirator #1 in the Duke Cunningham case. Now he's tied to Tom.

POWAY, Calif. — Brent R. Wilkes was a small defense contractor who looked for powerful friends in high places.

On Capitol Hill, Wilkes plied lawmakers with gifts, favors and hefty campaign contributions. He leased a jet and took then-House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) to three states on a golfing vacation. He hired expensive lobbyists close to legislators who controlled last-minute changes to the Pentagon's budget.

..........

The public story about Wilkes now includes reports of his involvement with DeLay, disgraced former Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, prostitutes and the No. 3 official at the CIA, who may have steered business to Wilkes.

..........

After DeLay became House majority leader in 2002, Wilkes and his associates contributed $57,000 to DeLay and his political action committee. Wilkes and his political advisory firm, Group W, also paid $630,000 to Alexander Strategy Group, a now-defunct Washington firm run by a former DeLay aide, to lobby for his business interests. Wilkes also paid for a golfing trip with DeLay.

         Here's the fun part, Wilkes has not been indicted. That means he's flapping his lips.
          If you're interested in what golf courses they went to .....

On March 24, 2002, the two businessmen and several of their associates joined DeLay for a three-day golf tour that hopped from Torrey Pines to Bighorn Country Club in Palm Desert to the Riviera Country Club in Pacific Palisades.

May 7 - I don’t get it.
          If Tom DeLay is resigning why doesn’t he name a date? Is he waiting for Nooky’s to bake him a going-away cake? Armageddon? His Virginia townhouse to be outfitted with a hot tub? When, Tom, when? June 23rd? May 18th? November 5th?
          I don't get it.
          If Tom DeLay is leaving Congress why was he on George Stephanopoulos’ teevee show this morning arguing that you can’t believe national polls on Congressional disapproval because locals overwhelmingly support their incumbent Congressmen? (Apparently not Tom’s.) Neither George nor Tom even hinted at Tom’s withdrawing from the race. Isn’t that kinda weird?
          I don't get it.
          Ask yourself; does this look like a man who is leaving Congress?
          I really don't get it.

May 6 - I picked up a little part time job over at Bob Dunn's. I'll be doing this when the mood strikes.

          But, I'll keep the place here open 24/7 because you never know how low Tom can go ----

Prosecutors have e-mails showing Rep. Tom DeLay's office knew lobbyist Jack Abramoff had arranged the financing for the GOP leader's controversial European golfing trip in 2000 and was concerned "if someone starts asking questions."
.....

The e-mails obtained by The Associated Press show DeLay's staff asked Abramoff — not the advocacy group — to account for the costs that had to be legally disclosed on congressional travel forms. DeLay's office was worried the group being cited as paying the costs might not even know about them, the e-mails state.

May 6 - She's baaaaack.
          Remember Cress Ann Posten, the Republican SREC member who "passed along" the email with instructions to "wreck" Nick Lampson's press conference? Well, she's passing notes in class again ----

Dear Precinct Chair in Fort Bend County Portion of CD22,

Today there will be a closed meeting for CD22 Precinct Chairs ONLY – (Post-May 1st) from Harris, Brazoria, Fort Bend, and Galveston Counties, and the HCRP Advisory Board at Baywood Country Club in Pasadena.

See email below.

   If you are not a Precinct Chair in CD22, please pass this email to anyone you know who holds that position in our County, as all chairs are not on my email list.

Please note that no one else may attend this closed meeting, per the instructions below from Harris County.

Please contact Kathy Haigler directly if you have any questions, since this was organized by the Harris County Republican Party and I am only passing the email on as a courtesy.

Yours for CD22,

Cress Ann Posten

State Republican Executive Committeewoman

SD18

----- Original Message -----
From: Kathy Haigler

To: gopkat@xxxxx.xxx

Sent: Saturday, May 06, 2006 12:35 AM

Subject: CD22 Status Update for Friday, May 5th from Kathy Haigler

CD22 Update Friday, May 5^th

FORUM DETAILS:

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Starts at 1:00 pm (come early to check in!)

Baywood Country Club

5500 Genoa Red Bluff

Pasadena, TX 77505

This is a closed meeting for CD22 Precinct Chairs ONLY – (Post-May 1st) from Harris, Brazoria, Fort Bend, and Galveston Counties, and the HCRP Advisory Board. It is a Party-organized private meeting for the purpose of education to consider a Party function of the Texas Election Code. No guests, no press. No recording devices. All others will be turned away, and we will have a uniformed officer on site.

          You can read the rest of the Ms. Haigler's email right here. The highlighting and real special shade of green are mine, but I didn't want you to miss it. They will have a uniformed officer on site. I guess they've heard about how violent Republicans can be when they're hacked-off, huh?
          Uniformed officer? Uniformed officer? Are you people nuts?
          What are y'all hiding behind those closed doors? Y'all got a Nooky's cake or somethin'?
          There's a tortured sentence in there that nobody seems to understand, "It is a Party-organized private meeting for the purpose of education to consider a Party function of the Texas Election Code." What the fool tarnation is that supposed to mean? Does Ms. Haigler think that gets her off the open meeting hook?
          Prediction: this event will be as big a disaster as the last event Ms. Posten "passed along."

May 5 - What has this country come to when you can't mock a county commissioner in peace?

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida (AP) -- An arts columnist for a tabloid newspaper published by the St. Petersburg Times resigned after acknowledging that she posted several messages on a phony Web site mocking a county commissioner, the newspaper said.

           I guess this means that I better withdraw my employment application with the St. Petersburg Times. Rats!

          And in the "Oh Lord, protect us from Bible College Grads" department --

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. - Police say a Bible college student charged with setting fire to an adult bookstore confessed to the crime after realizing it was a sin.

Benjamin Daniel Warren, 20, is a student at Crown College, a fundamental Baptist college and seminary of about 900 students in Knoxville.

          Let's do some math here. Benjamin torched the store on January 31st and it took him until April 11th to realize that pulling a fake gun on a clerk and destroying someone else's property just might kinda maybe be a tiny teensy weensy little sin.
          I do not know what Benjamin was doing in February and March but his parents should ask for a refund on their tuition money.
          I hope Benjamin's post-graduation plans do not include anything having to do with ... oh, I dunno, the Bible. On the other hand, burning down bookstores might look pretty good on a fundamentalist Baptist Curriculum Vitae. We'll ask County Commissioner Andy Meyers. Oh rats, there I go again.

May 5 - Quick! Eat them!
          Bakery products everywhere are in jeopardy! Does that Little Debbie Snack Cake look a little too much like a ta-ta? Is that Hostess Twinkie just a tad too phallic? Not to worry! Commissioner Andy Meyers wants to go to Congress!
          Andy will take his fight against the obscene concoction of flour, sugar and eggs to Washington DeeCee where the citizenry of America is probably totally unaware of the dangers of titillating food.
          No, he's serious. There is a vacuum in the Baked Goods Sexual Awareness leadership and Andy is the perfect man to fill the position!

May 5 - Here's an idea for you local Republicans who only get one ballot per household to voice your choice for Tom DeLay's replacement. A Republican friend of mine said that there are 4 registered voters in his household. They decided to check "other" and then not fill-in the blank. "It's kinda like saying 'none of the above,'" he explained.
          For the life of me I cannot figure out why Fort Bend County Republicans are even bothering to select a delegate to the Gang of Four picking the replacement. It is becoming increasingly obvious that the other three counties involved have already decided that nobody with a Sugar Land address is going to get the nod.
          Republican circles say that State Senator Mike Jackson appears to be the "frontrunner in a very fluid race." That means nobody knows, but it's Jackson's day to be on top of the list.
          Of course, I'll be extremely disappointed if it's not David Wallace being as how me and ole Dave are tight, Bro. I mean, the dude sends me mail and asks me for money.

May 4 - Well, lookie here. Imagine this! A letter from Sugar Land Mayor and Wanna-Be Congressman David Wallace in the same week the Republican "poll" was mailed to voters.

UPDATE: Oh my goodness gracious heavens alive! Ethically-challenged Sugar Land Mayor David Wallace even sent me and Ole Bubba one of those letters. Ole Bubba and me ain't voted Republican since the turn of the century and we don't live in Sugar Land. So, if you're feeling real extra special that Ethically-Challenged Dave wanted YOU to be among the first to know, you've been skunked. And, trust me, with Wallace it won't be the last time.


May 2 - Well, finally! A scientific explanation of the reason why Tom DeLay needed to run in the primary and then leave his party high and dry without any candidate. Or why he needs big cigars. Check the headline, Babe, it explains a whooooole lot ....

Pesticides may affect penis size

Sat, April 29, 2006

A renowned U.S. scientist supports a ban on the chemicals for cosmetic purposes.

A renowned U.S. scientist who has documented fertility and sex changes -- including decreasing penis size -- due to environmental contamination says he wouldn't apply pesticides on his own lawn.

          Okay, I'll be nicer to him now that I know he has a debilitating mutation. I thought he was just a jerk. Now I know there's a scientific reason he acts that way. Bless his heart.

----------------------------------------------------------------

          On another note, one of my favorite customers alerted us to this little tidbit from Roll Call (subscription only)

DeLay Bills Top $400K in 2006

Rep. Tom DeLay’s (R-Texas) legal defense fund burned through $312,000 in expenses in the first quarter of the year, paying out fees to four different law firms representing the former House Majority Leader on two different legal fronts.

Later in the same article ....

Aides to DeLay said no final decision had been made with regard to how the lawmaker will finance his mounting legal bills once he retires from the House, which is expected to happen sometime in June. But the simplest course would be to continue to raise money through a privatized version of the Tom DeLay Legal Expense Trust and raise unlimited donations without having to publicly report who the donors are.

          Oh no, not the secret Communist money again! Once you let DeLay take secret money, can panhandling be far behind?

          A second article in Roll Call today headlines ---

Laser Company Gave Big to DeLay Defense Fund

So what is it about Republicans and lasers?

          And this article amusingly tells us that DeLay, Duke Cunningham, and Jack Abramoff share more than ethics. They also share donations from laser companies. In DeLay's case, it's Laser Shot, who donated $15,000 to his legal defense fund, even though they company and its CEO and COO haven't been big players in the political donation game before.

May 1 - For those of you from foreign states trying to keep tabs on the scams, swindles, and dodges going on to try to replace Tom DeLay on the Republican ticket, the best source for local news is fortbendnow.com It's real journalism committed by a real journalist, daily. You might want to bookmark it.
         Bob's weekend commentary this week concerns someone who leaves a slug trail behind himself, Bob Perry of Perry Homes, ARMPAC, Swift Boat, and TRMPAC fame.

          And, Ms. Magazine, which I haven't read since, I dunno, the 70's?, has a shocking article this month entitled "Sex, Greed, & Forced Abortions in Paradise." It's worth a read for any of you still harboring secret thoughts that maybe Tom DeLay really is a Christian. Tom's "petri dish of capitalism" is festering. Break down and buy a copy of Ms. and read it for yourself. There's a real special place in hell for these guys.

          Wonderland! I live in gol-darn wonderland, Honey. I mean, I wake up every day to discover that the Republicans have done something dumber than dog dump overnight.

The Texas Ethics Commission has declared the county executive committee of the Fort Bend Republican Party and the erstwhile party chair Eric Thode as defaulters and imposed a penalty of $500 each for not filing the mandatory financial reports by the Jan. 17 deadline.

         Okay, Republican Guys, I hope Thode gave you the fancy $2,165.03 computer system he purchased with party money on July 22, 2004.

May 1 - As if the Poll pot needed more stirring, it now appears that the local GOP household poll to determine who should replace Tom DeLay willy-nilly deleted a perennial candidate, Michael Fjetland, from the ballot. The decision to leave Mr. Fjetland off the ballot appears to have come from information gleaned by the party chairman from a local Republican blogger who doesn't like Mr. Fjetland. The information did not come from Mr. Fjetland or anyone in any way associated with Mr. Fjetland.
          No, I'm not kidding. It also appears that Ms. Sadie Wilkins' name was put on the ballot by information gleaned from the bathroom wall of the Exxon station on Highway 59 at the Pleak exit. Okay, so I'm kidding about that. Maybe. We're not really sure.
          Now, let me see if I got this right: M.J. Khan, a Houston city councilman who votes Democratic and doesn't live in the district, got put on the ballot by calling the Republican party chair and simply asking to have his name put on the ballot, but Michael Fjetland, who votes Republican and has run for the office before, got taken off the ballot because a blogger doesn't like him? Oh cool. I love science.

(Alert: I have been told that Councilman M. J. Khan has a GOP primary voting record that goes back "quite far." That doesn't surprise me. However, for him to openly call himself a Republican does.)

          And people thought I wouldn't have any fun anymore with Tom DeLay gone. And, by the way, who says he's gone? He might turn up again in a story looking for a hero. Hookergate. Gotta love that. I am certain that Commissioner Andy Meyers will find a way to blame it on Nooky's Erotic Bakery.

          I rarely talk about myself because, frankly, other people don't find me near as interesting as I do. However, I thought that the few friends who come here might enjoy knowing what I do when I'm not here. Hint: it's dirty. Spring has exploded in my backyard haven. My son took the pictures.

And, for those of you who miss Texas, here's a proper backyard Bar-Be-Que condo. It has electricity, running water, and it's very own Bubba. (I'm starting peppers in the front garden.)