Dear Art,
I'm sorry that you stumbled
onto my website -- we usually like to put out the "welcome and watch your
step" mat before company comes. Next time, call ahead and we'll have a glass
of iced tea waiting.
I was going to have
Verdelia, our customer service representative, answer your email but she got
arrested last night over at the bowling alley for unlicensed carrying of a
skewer with intent to bar-be-que. We’re not going to arrange bail until we
give her former Mr. Wonderful, Billy Hank Joiner, packing-up and leaving-town
time. It seems Verdelia was intent on bar-be-queing him. But, that’s a whole
‘nother story.
Also, I’m sorry if I gave
the impression that I live in Sugar Land. I’m real sorry if I did that.
Painfully sorry. Humiliatedly sorry. What-the-heck-am-I-doing-here sorry. I
live in Richmond, which, as far as I’m concerned, is still dangerously close
to Sugar Land. As a matter of fact, Richmond's and Sugar Land's boundaries
meet in some areas, but they don’t speak to each other.
Sugar Land elects rightwing
religious extremists like Andy Meyers and Tom DeLay. In Richmond, we cage
those people. They are far too dangerous to be running around keeping score.
Yes, Art, I do know about
Spanky. In fact, my birthday cake this year (see
June 24th) was modeled after Spanky. I can’t tell you how thrilled and
surprised I was about that. Well, I guess I could but it would require lots
of words and thesauruses and stuff and what with Verdelia in jail and all, I
really don’t have time right now. You’re just gonna have to trust me that
getting a birthday cake with an almost-nakkid Tom DeLay on it was more than a
fainter heart, or stomach, could have handled.
Nobody would eat the Tom
part of the cake so we fed it to Brewster, our three-legged coon dog.
Brewster upchucked it and the story gets worse from there, so I’ll quit now
while I still have you.
Back to Spanky.
I let the ladies driving
Spanky park it in front of my house for a while just to hack-off a couple of
Republican neighbors who got lost one night and moved to Richmond by mistake.
I got them to turn it on, get ole Uncle Sam to swatting Tom and playing music
real loud and all. Oh, it was 4th of July in June, my friend! It was great!
The only thing wrong with Spanky is that it needs some more glitter and
fireworks! That sucker ain’t near shiny enough!
The ladies driving Spanky,
grandmothers all, were told by uniformed security guards that they couldn’t
drive Spanky around the parking lot by Sugar Land City Hall. Yes, I am
talking about the city hall built in the middle of a danged shopping center.
Sugar Land takes their conspicuous consumerism very seriously, you know. I
mean, it ain’t many towns that build their city hall right in the middle of a
shopping center, and then act all haughty when you want to drive a perfectly
normal parade float right down the middle of it.
Anyway, that’s when I
volunteered to go with them. I told them we’d drive right back to Sugar Land
City Taj MaHall and refuse to stop or vacate until Mayor David Wallace
hisownself came out and explained the First Amendment to me in a satisfactory
manner. I’ve got twenty American dollars that says he can’t do it.
So, Art, thanks for
reminding me about Spanky ‘cause I gotta call those nice ladies and remind
them that we’ve got a date with fate and Sugar Land City Hall.
And if things don’t work out
so good, please remind Verdelia that she owes me bond money.
Juanita
