Tom Foolery

          Since Tom DeLay is getting so much national attention, we at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., the Official Beauty Supplier for the 22^nd Congressional District, feel the need to introduce the rest of the country to our Congressvarmint. 

          First off, he ain’t always been like this.  No, seriously, he wasn’t always Captain Testimony for the Steeple People.  Why Honey, back in his Texas Legislature days, Tom DeLay was everybody’s best friend, including Jose Cuervo and some little Austin waitresses we know. 

          I have a theory called Juanita’s Theory of Why You Should Run Away Fast From People Who Keep Saying “Jeeesus” Too Much.  I have found that people who become religious fanatics like Tom are either (1) trying to hide something really nasty that they’re doing when nobody’s looking, (2) got something in their past to be really horribly ashamed of, or (3) are trying to make enough money to land on Boardwalk with three hotels and still have a gazillon dollars left. Tom, bless his heart, has got a bad case of all three, plus a whole mess of horrific karma and ju-ju on the side. 

          There are some people who feel sorry for him.  I am not one of them. 

          I think he’s just a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

          We who live in his district have no idea what Tom DeLay meant on last Thursday when he said that "the time will come for the men responsible" for the death of Terri Schiavo "to answer for" their actions.  When I told my last husband that the time had come for him to answer for his behavior, he left in a trail of gravel and roaddust before I could get my shotgun loaded.  He knew what I meant.  Maybe that’s just me.  I dunno.  But I do know that here in Texas we don’t take threats lightly.  If somebody has a sign saying, “Stay off my property,” we stay off, unless we want to be loaded with more lead than a sinker factory.  We take warnings seriously. 

          So when my friends in foreign states ask me what Tom meant, I have to give them some background. 

          Ever since Tom got himself elected, two things happen when anybody dares to criticize him.  The first thing is that he starts hiding behind little children.  I don’t care whether it’s the Boy Scouts, foster children, little children without sinuses, or little kids helplessly addicted to clean air, we have children in this county who are blind due to camera flashes when Tom DeLay keeps holding them up in front of his face. 

            He has used this same picture on almost every piece of literature he’s sent out over the past 10 years, leading Republican-type people to believe that we only have one African American child in the entire district.  Truth is, we have many African Americans in this county, including my friend BubbaX who is hunting down this child to bathe her in Lysol due to her once uncomfortable proximity to Tom DeLay.  (Please see Juanita’s Theory above.) 

          I don’t care what you say to Tom – I mean, you can say, “I take exception to your principled stand on American hegemony in Albania with my principled stand,” and Ole Tom will reply snittily, “You hate little children.  Lookie at me standing here with these little children, and you hate them.  You probably want to force them all to take science in public school.  Child hater!”  It leaves you standing there wondering why he ain’t ever been named the local Mental Health Poster Critter. 

          The second thing that Tom does when he’s under fire is that he nuts-up with the Holy Ghost spirit and starts speaking in tongues.  I think that’s what happened last Thursday.  It’s happened before.  Bunches. 

          He just starts blabbering and says things more outrageous than a Pamela Anderson bikini.  In the past I have tried to interpret some of his almost-English ravings. Mostly Tom sanes-up the next day and tells us that we have bad hearing and even worse understanding mechanisms.  Other times he just hollers, “Children. And Jeesus. You hate me for my freedom.”   

          I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that you now know Texas’ best kept secret: Tom DeLay is nuts.  We suspect he’s surgically replaced his cerebrospinal fluid with DDT and Chlordane. But, we don’t know for sure.  Could be that he bumped his head real bad.  Could be that he's played Pin the Blamed on the Donkey one time too many.

          Okay, so those from foreign states who want to know why Texas Senator John Cornyn stood in an empty Senate chamber late at night and said crazy stuff about people shooting judges for being activists.  He was drunk.  That’s all I can say.  Wiped out.  Smashed.  Thought he was trying to start a bar fight at Crazy Manny’s Icehouse.