Cahoots, Cronies and Coups             This story is nuttier than squirrel poop and if you don’t live here and see stuff like this every day, you won’t believe me.  You’re gonna think I made this story up.  I didn’t.              We have a county attorney by the name of Bud Childers who has never bothered to work-up a sweat in office.  He was so lazy that most days he went backwards.  His idea of doing hard legal work was to call an outside law firm, FAX over any important county files to them, and then toss some of my tax dollars their way.  In fact, we always knew we could call on Bud if the county’s money shredding machine ever broke down or we couldn’t find a match to set fire to a big pile of money.            Bud has long fancied himself a political deal maker.  He and his buddy, former county judge Roy Cordes, plotted a coup about 12 years ago where Bud was going to move into a open judgeship and they were going to appoint some woman named Portia Poindexter (I am NOT making this up.)  as the new county attorney even though she didn’t even live here.  However, that fell apart when his buddy Roy Cordes got slam-dunked in an electoral embarrassment.  (There’s a whole ‘nother story about this Poindexter woman hiding in the bathroom to keep from speaking to the press until she remembered that the press were women, too, and could just walk right in and jump her sweet rump under a locked stall.  But, that’s a whole ‘nother story I’ll tell you later.)            Anyway, Bud and Roy’s scheme fell apart when Roy got whipped at the polls, mainly for plotting stuff like this instead of tending business. Bud was just lucky to hold on to his job, much less be kingmaker.  I’m telling you that this all happened over 12 years ago and those same two boys have been plotting ever since.  I mean, little boys in the backyard with flashlights and a pup tent ain’t got nothin’ on Bud and Roy.            Let’s flash forward to recent memory.  When we weren’t looking, Bud up and hires Defeated Roy as First Assistant County Attorney, which is probably some kind of honor, being First Assistant and all, but judging from other First Assistants around here, all that means is that you hide while the boss is at lunch and hope he doesn’t find out that you don’t know diddle squat.             Anyway, Ole Roy sits there for a couple of months biding his time while Ole Bud got a new spring in his step.  Twenty four hours before filing deadline to be a candidate Ole Bud up and files for a new judgeship that just came open.  Ole Bud tells people that he made the decision at the last possible minute, but Ole Roy slips and tells a reporter that Bud told him about the plan at least “a few weeks” before.  You know, that’s the problem with planning a coup – you gotta count on all the people involved to get their story and stick to it.  You gotta factor-in the dumb issue.              Okay, so here’s where the story gets weird.  Okay, weirder.              Part of getting their duck in a row includes the fact that the County Attorney advises Commissioners Court on legal issues.  That’s the blind leaning the stoopid.              So, even after Ole Bud was forced to resign as County Attorney so he could run for the new judgeship, he continued to advise Commissioners Court.  I don’t know how that’s done – it’s like being kinda pregnant.  You either resign or you don’t and the law says you resign.  But, Ole Bud kept coming to the office, and even bragged that he was getting stuff done that he had wanted to do for a long time.  Look, I dunno know what he was doing but I’m sure it involved pestering people way beyond their decent capacity.  There was no one to say, “No, Bud.  Don’t touch anything.  Put down that clicker, step away from the Point Point presentation and nobody gets hurt.  You have to resign.  It’s the law.  Get out.  Moooooove it.  Quit dilly-dallying around.  Pick up your potted plant and go home.  It’s O.v.e.r.”            Now I know this is not going to shock you, but Bud advised Commissioners that there was no fancy footwork involved in this move.  Ole Bud claimed that the First Assistant automatically became the new County Attorney and they needn’t fret their goofy little heads over the matter.  Just appoint Ole Roy, the brand spankin’ new first assistant, Bud advised, and then (psstttt …….  Roy can run for County Attorney as the incumbent).            See, they figure that if Bud jumps over to run for the new judgeship, then there’s only four days for people to sign-up to run for County Attorney and that kinda leaves Ole Roy with the keys to the kingdom.              I would say that Ole Bud was trying to pull a fast one on our County Commissioners.  However, pulling a fast one on our County Commissioners would be a serious waste of much needed energy.  They are so cronyied-up that you can pull a slow one on them.  As expected, they simply repeated Bud’s advice and said, “Oh goodie, more Republican fluffy white boys!  Our favorite thing!”            Finally, a local reporter asked if maybe, just maybe, this didn’t “look” right.  Ya think?  And once the County Judge heard himself try to explain it out loud, even he took his hands out of other people’s pockets long enough to scratch his head.  He decides to ask for another legal opinion.  So where does he go to get another legal opinion?  One of Bud and Roy’s good friends in Austin where they refer a lot of business?  Of course.  Another Assistant County Attorney who knows who hires and fires him?  Yep, that, too.              I am proud to announce that there were no women involved in the making of this story.  That’s because women care a lot about our personal appearance; we don’t like looking like idiots.