Most of you are familiar
with our local Spirit of Freedom Republican Women. They are real; they meet
monthly. They are one of the few local Republican clubs that doesn’t have a
website of its own. I suspect that’s because they’re pretty much positive that
the Internet is a tool of the devil, secular humanists, and Jennifer Anniston.
About five
years ago, I took to calling them The Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club.
It kinda stuck and local folks – even Republicans – started calling them that.
Well, the Belles have gotten their brassiere straps all uptight and grotesquely
twisted over a new locally-owned female-run business: a mother and daughter
bakery.
Specifically,
Nooky’s Erotic Bakery.
No, I’m not
joking. Nooky’s opened a couple of months ago on Highway 6 right in the heart
of Sugar Land, within frosting distance of Tom DeLay’s home. It’s in a strip
shopping center with other businesses. A mother and daughter team own and run
it. They make bakery goods for wedding showers, birthdays, and people too grown
up for a Cinderella or Spiderman cake but not so grown up that they don’t want a
birthday party. It’s not something I’d want, but you might and I respect your
birthday wishes.
The Belles
had their monthly meeting last week and Nooky’s got some free advertising. One
blogger described the Belles as being “outraged” over Nookys. I can understand
that. Women. Baking. Free enterprise. That’s the Trifecta of Torrid.
Outrage is a valuable commodity and, bless their hearts, the Belles have
cornered the market.
So, poor
Criminal District Attorney John Healey, who is a man with absolutely no sense of
humor – I mean that literally, we think he had a humorectomy - shows up at the
Belles’ meeting and gets cornered by some really pissed-off women who want to
know what he’s going to do RIGHT NOW to rid their fair city of the horror of
cake.
Healey, as
the blogger put it, was “rather put on the spot when he was asked to explain how
this occurred.” Well, I imagine so! Envision yourself trying to explain how
batter formed itself into a set of ta-tas. You gotta start with that whole
spring form cake pan thing, oven temperature, food coloring, and then some other
stuff that Julia Childs probably took to her grave.
I would think
that not having a sense of humor would be a help in these situations. However,
one of my newly found spies tells me that poor Healey walked out of the meeting
smelling of Eau de Pious and carrying 40 pounds of grief. It didn’t occur to
him that icing is not a criminal act in Texas. In a rare moment of bureaucratic
irony, it truly is not his job to do anything about this.
Personally, I
think the Belles knew that but brought it up just to hear dirty talk and get
themselves all aquiver with outrage. This passes for foreplay in many
Republican homes.
By three
o’clock that afternoon, County Commissioner Andy Meyers, a man far too obsessed
with other people’s hoochy-koochy activities to have much of his own, was
issuing press releases and getting everybody in the county drawing a taxpayer
salary to quit whatever they were doing and get ---- well, outraged!
Andy contends
that Nooky’s Bakery is a sexually oriented business.
Dude, it’s
flour, sugar, and eggs. If that gets you frisky then you’ve got bigger problems
than your diet. I don’t even think that the Mayor of Spokane is that
perverted.
Look, there’s
a simple solution to this whole thing. Let’s take Andy over to Nooky’s and let
him look at the cakes. If Andy gets unduly excited and will sign an affidavit
attesting to such, then I’ll help close the place down. I don’t know how we’ll
certify Andy’s level of “excitement.” I haven’t worked that out yet. We asked
Thelma to help and she said, “Not even for a three-layer dinky cake.”
You would
think that at some point Republican women would realize that they should just
shut-up about sex. The more they talk, the more Republican men get caught doing
really kinky stuff --- and I mean kinky in more than running for Governor.
Thelma,
Verdelia, and I are going to Commissioners Court when they discuss this just so
we can sit in the audience to point and giggle every time a commissioner says “nooky.”
The county will probably have to hire a consultant to explain to one
commissioner what nooky is and remind the rest.
Now I know
that people in foreign states think I’m making this up. I am not. You can’t
make this stuff up. That’s why I live here. It's like living in Wonderland!
